FUNNY BONES! Please add jokes.

[fluffymoat4]

MORE JOKES Folks - hope you enjoy them. Please, if anyone finds any joke offensive please tell me and I will erase it forthwith. Thanks.

A woman takes her pet Labrador to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed," she says, "is there anything you can do for him?" "Well", says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc. Finally he says: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down." "Why? Because he's cross-eyed!?" asks the shocked woman. "No, because he's really really heavy." replies the vet.

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovered that he was lost. So, wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then, he noticed some bones close by on the ground and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy! That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, and with a look of terror slunk away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went. But the dachshund happened to spy him heading after the leopard with great speed. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Soon the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and he thought, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet... and just when they got close enough to hear the dachshund, he said -- "Where's that d**n monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." and instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." and instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. A few days later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life and those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

FINAL ONE for now anyway -

A blind man is waiting with his guide dog by the side of the road to cross. No traffic comes but the dog continues to sit there. All of a sudden an articulated lorry comes belting around the corner and the guide dog drags his owner out in front of it, just missing it. The lorry driver pulls up,shocked, and looks out of his window to see the blind man patting the dog on the head. He calls out "Don't pat that dog ,mate, it nearly got you killed!" The blind man calls back "I'm just finding its head so I can kick it up the backside!"

[johnnyowen]

MY FAVOURITE JOKE IS THIS....BLOKE SAYS TO HIS WIFE "RIGHT LOVE TIME FOR THE PUB GET YOUR COAT ON" SHE SAYS "MY GOD ARE YOU TAKING ME WITH YOU" HE SAYS "NO..I'M TURNING THE FIRE OFF"

[fluffymoat4]

MORE JOKES FOLKS

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer", says the balloonist. "I am", replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov - no problem" one said. "Oh yeah” said another “well, I could beat both of them at the same time." "That's nothing” another one said, “I could beat both of them blindfolded!" Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel then he turned to a puzzled bystander and said "If there's one thing I hate it's chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"

[fluffymoat4]

Joke of the Day:-
A bloke was driving up the M1 in his Lada. Suddenly there is a pop and a bang and the Lada starts to lose speed quickly so he pulls onto the hard shoulder. A few minutes later a Porsche pulls up in front and a bloke jumps out. "Do you want a tow mate?" he asks, "yes, please" the Lada driver replies. "Ok, but if I start to drive too fast then you will have to flash me with your indicator and I’ll slow down.” So the two men set off and after about ten minutes a Ferrari pulls up alongside the Porsche and they start to race - completely forgetting the poor Lada behind. Finally they take an exit to a little village and zoom past a small, local pub. A man standing outside it with his pint in his hand runs inside to his friends and blurts out, “you'll never guess what I've just seen! I saw a Ferrari and Porsche racing at 250mph and a Lada indicating to overtake!!!"

[fluffymoat4]

JOKE OF THE DAY:-
A man is in bed with his wife when they hear a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at the clock - it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door to see a man standing there. It doesn't take him long to realise the man is drunk. "Hi there", slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to collect the kids from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's door? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "Go downstairs and help him." So the husband gets dressed and goes down to help him. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "HEY, DO YOU STILL WANT A PUSH?" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." Still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "WHERE ARE YOU?" and the stranger replies, "Over here on your swing!"

[fluffymoat4]

Three men go hunting, one is extremely smart, one is not as smart and the third is a bit slow on the uptake. The smart one goes out and 1 hour later comes back with a deer. The other two ask how he did it and he said, "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I found the deer, I killed the deer." The other not-so-smart one goes out, and 2 hours later he comes back with a deer. The other two ask how he did it. He said, " I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I found the deer, I shot and missed the deer, so I found more tracks, followed the tracks, found the deer and killed the deer." So the “slow” hunter goes out, and 3 hours later, he comes back beaten, bruised and his clothes in tatters. The other 2 asked what happened. He said, "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks and got hit by a train."

[fluffymoat4]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answers Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike." The guard then takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan stops showing up each week. Years later the guard meets Juan in a cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you must've been smuggling something all those years ago and it's driving me crazy not knowing what. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. So just between you and me, what were you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[tony38337]

Paddy got sacked by the prison board for refusing to repair the electric chair, he said it was a death trap!

[fluffymoat4]

JOKE OF THE DAY:-

A cannibal goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor I’m really depressed, what should I do?" The doctor replies "Go on holiday for a week then come and see me again.” The cannibal agrees and goes on holiday. One week later he returns to the surgery with an arm and a leg missing. “What on earth happened to you?” the doctor asked. “Oh, the holiday I went on was self-catering!” replied the cannibal.

[Danny]

Two Irish mates looking for a start on a building site. First bloke goes in to see the forman,forman say's" quick verbal test , give me a sentence with great in it"
Irish has a think" I have a donkey jacket and I think it's great" Forman ."well done you have a start, send your mate in" Sean say's to Declan " It's a piece of cake , tell him you have a donkey jacket and you think it's great and you'll have the job.
Dec goes in. Forman "same test as your mate,give me a sentence with fascinate in it"Dec confidently reply's " I have a donkey jacket and I think it's great!"Forman"No give me a sentence with fascinate in it" Dec thinks" I have a donkey jacket,and I think!! it's great!!!
Forman"No,fascinate!!fascinate!!" Declan" oh I have it now, I have a donkey jacket and I think it's great, it has nine button holes, but I can only fascinate!!

[fluffymoat4]

One morning a family takes their frail, elderly mother to the local nursing home and leaves her as planned, hoping she’ll be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her and feed her a really healthy breakfast before sitting her in a chair by a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all day. Later that evening her family arrives to see how she’s settling in. "So Ma how is it here? Are they treating you alright?" they ask. "It's okay here," she replies. "But they keep stopping me from farting!"

[fluffymoat4]

JOKE OF THE DAY

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's complaining of problems “down below”. The doctor gave the man a specimen jar and suggested he return the following day with a sperm sample. The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the still empty jar. The doctor asked why there was no sperm sample in it and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand - nothing. Then I tried with my left hand - still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand – nothing, she tried with her left hand - still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Mavis, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour to help!” he spluttered. “Yes,” said the old man “but the lid still wouldn’t budge!”

[vicg]

bloke goes in a clock makers and asked the clock maker to make him a clock made of potatoes, clock maker said he had never had this request before but he thought he could make on, said to the bloke give me a week and come back.

a week later the bloke came back and was given his clock made of potatoes, clock maker asked him why he wanted to have a clock made of potatoes, well said the bloke I went for a job interview last week went really well, was offered the job but only problem was i was told I had to get a potato clock

[fluffymoat4]

;D JOKE OF THE DAY! ;D

Two mates, Tommy and Harry, set off for a hunting weekend. A few miles from their cabin their car runs out of petrol. Seeing a farm nearby Tommy sets off to see if he can get help. The farmer is more than happy to oblige and gives him a can of petrol. He then asks a favour in return. He has two horses in a nearby field. One is a white mare and the other a black stallion. The stallion has something wrong with his brain and needs to be put down but the farmer can’t bring himself to do it so he asks Tommy if he’d shoot the horse between the eyes to make his death as quick and as painless as possible. Tommy agrees to do it and sets off back to the car. He decides not to tell Harry about the “deal” he struck and thinks what fun he’ll have instead. The two men continue their car journey only stopping when Tommy sees the two horses in the farmer’s field. “Just stopping here to get some target practice,” he says to Harry and, with that he strides over to the field, takes aim and shoots the black stallion right between the eyes. Harry is mortified and asks “can’t you get in trouble for doing that?” Tommy looks around at the deserted fields and lanes and says, “Who’s going to know?” Harry thinks about this for a while and says “Quite right” then takes aim and shoots the white mare between the eyes!

[fluffymoat4]

JOKE OF THE DAY

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week". The following week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my silent farts stink awful!” "Good," the doctor says, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's see what we can do for your hearing."

[fluffymoat4]

;)TWO JOKES FOR TODAY FOLKS

A nurse walks into the bank to cash a cheque. She reaches into her handbag and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Great, great, just great," she sighs to the cashier. "That means some a***hole's got my pen."

In a hospital one day are two little boys lying on trolleys, waiting to be taken to the operating theatre. The first boy says to the second "What are you in for?" He replies, "I'm having my tonsils out." "Oh that's not too bad" reassures the first "they just put you to sleep, then when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream!" The second little boy then asks the first what he's in for. To which he replies "A circumcision." The second boy says "I had that when I was born, I couldn't walk for a year!"

[fluffymoat4]

JOKE OF THE DAY

A man sits down at a table in a small cafe. The waitress comes over to ask the man what he would like to order. "I'll have a quicky please." He replies. "How dare you!" she says before she slaps him in the face and turns around and storms off. Five minutes later, when she has calmed down, she comes back to take his order. Again the same thing happens. By this time an elderly lady has come in and sat down at a nearby table. Resisting the urge to laugh she turns around and says to the man: "I'll think you'll find it's pronounced quiche!"

[stevenficus]

hi mo

one of my favorite jokes is the one where a man is getting drunk in a pub and he gets talking to a man called Arthur he says to Arthur i am fed up with my wife i wish i could bump her off Arthur says i will do it just give me £1 the man says OK and they make a plan the man says his wife goes shopping Thursday morning she always wears a red coat Arthur says to the man to ring him with the code word arty when his wife enters the shop the man dose this and Arthur runs in sees the woman in the red coat and strangles her as he is leaving he sees another woman in a red coat so he kills her too so the headlines in the next mornings paper were ARTY CHOKES 2 FOR A POUND AT TESCOS

[fluffymoat4]

[glow=red,2,300] :DJOKE OF THE DAY [/glow]

A bloke walks into a pub and orders 6 double vodkas, the barman asks, "bad day?" The bloke replies "yes, I just found out my brother's gay!" "Oh you'll get used to it,” replies the barman. The following day the man re-enters and again orders 6 double vodkas. "Not another bad day?" asks the barman. "Yes" replies the man, "I just found out my other brother’s gay too."
"Have an extra one, on the house,” offers the barman. Two days later the man returns to the pub, looking more depressed than usual, he sits down and orders 6 double vodkas. The barman asks, "For heaven’s sake, does no-one in your family like women?" "Yes,” he replies "it seems my wife does!"


Can I take the opportunity to thank everyone who has posted a joke - I really do appreciate the input. THANK YOU!

[fluffymoat4]

[glow=red,2,300]

;D JOKE OF THE DAY ;D

[/glow]

Four guys met up for a drink in a pub. One guy leaves to go to the toilet leaving the other three guys chatting. The first guy says,” I was worried that my son was going to be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new "Mercedes" for his birthday." The second guy says,” I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves up in the grounds of an Estate Agent’s home. Turns out he got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, eventually he was able to buy out the whole company and he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a stockbroker’s building. Well, he got a break, they made him a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend £2 million in stock for his birthday." The fourth guy returns from his trip to the toilet and the first 3 explain they are swapping stories about how well their kids have done. Fourth guy says,” Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is still a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's GAY and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look on the positive side, his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and £2million in stock for his birthday!"

[fluffymoat4]

;D JOKE OF THE DAY ;D

A man’s wife was viewing her reflection in a full-length mirror and he overheard her mutter “I wish I was 10 again!” As it would soon be her 50th Birthday he decided to surprise her and make it a day to remember. On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops then drove her to the Alton Towers Theme Park. What a day! They tried their luck on the sideshows such as the hoop-la, hook-a-duck, and the like. They even won a small Winnie the Pooh bear. They spent all their spare coins on the fruit machines. They then tried every ride in the park – The Corkscrew, Rita – Queen of Speed, Oblivion, Submission, Enterprise, Ripsaw, Nemesis and The Blade. All were thrilling and daring. In between rides they ate Popcorn, Hot Dogs and Candyfloss. Six hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Their heads were reeling and their stomachs felt upside down. They went off to McDonald’s and each had a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake. Then they went off to see the cartoon movie “Over The Hedge” and ate more popcorn washed down with fizzy cola. He then presented his wife with a Cadbury’s chocolate egg, her favourite treat. What a fabulous adventure they’d had! Finally they wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife and, with a big smile he lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being TEN again?" Her eyes slowly opened as realisation dawned on her "I meant – I wish I was Dress Size 10 again, you idiot!"

My thanks to Tommy for this one. I had to "tweak" it a bit to make it more "English" but thought it funny enough to include here.

[fluffymoat4]

JOKE OF THE DAY

There was a boy who wasn't developing very well in his "down-stairs department". So his mum took him to the doctor to get him examined and see if there was anything the doctor could do. "Well there isn't much wrong" said the doctor, "but if you feed him lots of toast, it should soon rectify itself". So the next day, the boy comes home from school and there is a massive pile of toast on the table - about 30 pieces high. "Awwww mum, is that all for me?" asks the boy. "No, the top two slices are for you - the rest is for your dad!"

[christine]

MO WHERE DO YOU GET ALL YOUR JOKES FROM XXCHRIS

[wynwilliams]

big white hunter, hunting in the jungle comes across a beauiful naked girl, says to her , hey are you game,she replies "yes", ! so he shoots her !

[wynwilliams]

repeat this as quick as possible, ( red lorry yellow lorry ) over and over again

[wynwilliams]

u2 front man bono, asked the crowd at the show to be quiet, when everyone was quiet, he started clapping, people thought, is this the start to a new song, does, he want us to join in and clap, then bono, said every clap means one more person in the world has died, some smartie from the back yelled :- stop bloodly clapping!!!

[Lisa]

The Headmistress and Janitor of a private Girls' School were fed up of finding lipstick lip impressions on the mirrors in the toilets. The Headmistress isolated it down to one class and called them all into the toilets, along with the Janitor. She then asked the Janitor to clean it all off the mirror "like you usually do". As they all watched, he dipped his mop into one of the toilets then wiped the lipstick off the mirror. No-one ever put their lips on the mirror again.......

[fluffymoat4]

JOKE OF THE DAY

An elderly lady goes into a supermarket and takes 3 tins of cat food and walks up to the checkout to pay. “Sorry, but I can’t let you buy these” says the cashier. "Why not?" asked the old lady. "We need proof that you own a cat. You see, according to government research, some old people are known to take cat food home and eat it themselves," explained the cashier, "and the government insists we ask for proof." "Hold that thought," said the old lady. She rushes home and comes back holding her cat, and the cashier lets her buy the cat food. The next day the same old lady comes in and tries to buy 3 tins of dog food. "Sorry, I can't let you buy these," said the cashier. "We need proof that you own a dog, because government research says……” "Whatever!" snapped the old lady. She rushes home and brings her dog in and buys the dog food. The next day the old lady comes in, holding a large tank with a hole on the top. "Stick your hand in there," said the lady to the cashier. Not wanting to offend the old lady the cashier sticks her hand in. "This feels like sh*t," said the cashier. "Yes,” says the little old lady – now can I buy four rolls of toilet paper?"

[Lisa]

The tax man visits a Synagogue to look at the books. He asks the Rabbi "What do you do with all the leftover bread from the Sabbath?" The Rabbi replies "We send it all back to the bakers and they send us a complete loaf". Taxman then says "What do you do with all the leftover wax from the candles?" Rabbi : "We send it all back to the candlemakers and they send us a complete pack of candles". Taxman then says "What do you do with all the skin from the circumcisions?" Rabbi: "We send it to the taxman and they send us a complete p r i c k like you".

[fluffymoat4]

JOKE OF THE DAY

Three balloons: daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon. Daddy balloon says to baby balloon, “look son, you are getting too big to sleep with mummy and daddy, you’ll have to sleep in your own bed now”. Baby balloon protests, “but I like sleeping with you and mummy”. “No, you aren’t sleeping with us anymore!” says daddy balloon. “Okay” says baby balloon sadly. Early the following morning baby balloon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dads knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummy’s knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. He still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has enough room and snuggles down with mummy and daddy. The next day they all wake up and daddy balloon is really angry. He said “Son, I am really disappointed with you, I said you couldn’t sleep with us anymore. Now, you've let me down, you’ve let your mummy down and you’ve let yourself down too!”