FUNNY BONES! Please add jokes.

[Casso]

This is one of those stories that get bandied around the net, but it's new to me and I think it's priceless ...

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two
kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a
few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show- and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with
a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

(She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm
trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement).

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and
going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.] "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'

[Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."

[Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.]

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

[This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are
miming water flowing away. It was too much!]

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten.
Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned
to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

[Casso]

Hope I didn't filch this one from ManMates ...

Good King Wenceslas rings up his regular pizza parlour. Yes sir may I take your order. Yes indeed. - The usual please -
deep pan, crisp and even.

[fluffymoat4]

JOKE OF THE DAY

The Managing Director was dictating a memo to his secretary. As she stood up to leave she noticed his fly was open. “Ooh, Mr Small, did you know your barracks door is open?” He blushed and hurriedly put things right. After a liquid lunch and feeling braver he approached his secretary. “Miss Large, when you noticed my barracks door ajar did you notice a proud soldier standing to attention?” “Why no, Mr Small, but I did see an old war veteran sat on two duffle bags!”

[BABS]

HI JOE (AVROS)

VERY FUNNY,EVEN I HAD TO LAUGH,


FOR A SECOND ANYWAY.


BABS

[avros]

To all our dear Australian ladies who frequent this site often, perhaps still smarting over loosing the "Ashe's" to the homeland - a cricket joke. An expectant father rings the hospital to see how his wife is getting on. Due to a cross line he is put through to the Sydney Cricket club during one of their games. How's it going.? The father asks. Fine, was the answer, come on down to see. We got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck.

[avros]

This lady an avid Manchester City supporter arrives at the ground midway through the second half. Whats the score she asks?. Nil nil , was the reply. Gee thats not good replied the lady. What was the score at half time?.

[fluffymoat4]

;D JOKE OF THE DAY ;D

A reverend visited an elderly couple as they were about to sit down to dinner. They invited him to stay and join them but he was a bit reluctant to do so as the dishes looked a little grubby. “Have those dishes been cleaned?” he asked. The wife replied, “Of course reverend – they are as clean as soap and water could get them!” The reverend realises that it may be rude to decline their kind offer and so joins them for the meal. As soon as they’d all finished eating the wife placed the dishes on the floor and shouted to her dogs “Come, Soap, come Water, clean the dishes!”

[avros]

A part of the country not mentioned so it's ok to talk of it. An Essex girl is involved in a traffic accident. The paramedic rushes to her aid. Where abouts are you bleeding from.? he asks. Well. says the girl, since you ask , bleeding Romford.

[Clive Dawber]

Sorry, Lisa, didn't see you're joke til you reminded me.
But. Mo, you've started something that's bigger than all of us - a monster ! Ahhhhh ! lol.

[Clive Dawber]

Hey, Patricia, I remember those 'chants' too. Used to be a schoolyard thing - all the kids used to join in.

[lin]

Hope no one takes offence at Chinese proverbs?

CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel c*cky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[lin]

NAGGING WIFE

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the
husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and said he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[lin]

The Managing Director was dictating a memo to his secretary. As she stood up to leave she noticed his fly was open. “Ooh, Mr Small, did you know your barracks door is open?” He blushed and hurriedly put things right. After a liquid lunch and feeling braver he approached his secretary. “Miss Large, when you noticed my barracks door ajar did you notice a proud soldier standing to attention?” “Why no, Mr Small, but I did see an old war veteran sat on two duffle bags!”

[fluffymoat4]

JOKE OF THE DAY

Three Englishmen exploring the jungle were captured by a group of natives and the chief explained that they must die so their skins could be used to build a new canoe. The chief then told them they could choose how to die. The first man chooses a pistol and shoots himself in the head. The second man also chooses a pistol and shoots himself in the head. The third man asks for a fork and then promptly begins to stab himself all over. The Chief is aghast and points out that it’ll be a very slow and painful death. “Yes” says the man, “but at least you won’t be using MY skin for your canoe!”

[fluffymoat4]

lin said:

The Managing Director was dictating a memo to his secretary. As she stood up to leave she noticed his fly was open. “Ooh, Mr Small, did you know your barracks door is open?” He blushed and hurriedly put things right. After a liquid lunch and feeling braver he approached his secretary. “Miss Large, when you noticed my barracks door ajar did you notice a proud soldier standing to attention?” “Why no, Mr Small, but I did see an old war veteran sat on two duffle bags!”

Sorry, Lin, beat you to it with this joke - see Post #96 on Funny Bones - LOL (guess it must've been one of those jokes that stuck in your mind)?! Someone repeated one of Lisa's joke a few days ago and someone else did the same with someone elses so I guess it's a senior moment we all keep having! LOL

[fluffymoat4]

Casso - regards #94 - priceless story that about the little girl - especially if it's one of those true ones eh?

Thanks to everyone for their contributions - it certainly brings a smile to my day!

[lin]

Ok, it can't be offensive to anyone then?...lol!

[fluffymoat4]

JOKE OF THE DAY

A friend of mine has just celebrated her 50th Birthday and has been using various skincare products for some years now, she regularly has her hair styled professionally and has always looked after her figure. Recently she asked her husband, “Darling, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I look?” Thinking about this carefully he replied, “judging by your skin, about 30, going by your hair I’d say 25 and looking at your figure, probably 20!” “Oh, you flatterer! Thank you!” “Hold on” he says “I haven’t finished.... got to add them up yet!”

[fluffymoat4]

HALLOWEEN JOKE OF THE DAY

A chap left a Halloween Party early and decided to take a short cut home through the cemetery. Half way into his journey he heard a “tap, tap, tap tap.... “ noise coming from one of the graves. Trembling with fear he noticed an old man using a hammer and chisel on one of the gravestones. Relief flooded over him and he said, “Blimey mate, you had me going there for a minute! Why on earth are you working so late?” “Oh, sorry” said the old man “but I’ve only just noticed that some fool spelt my name wrong!”

[fluffymoat4]

JOKE OF THE DAY

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. The second patient jumps feet first into the pool and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

[fluffymoat4]

Alan, I'd be honoured to have OUR "Funny Bones" placed in this way. I just hope it'll encourage more folk to put their favourites on - I'm quite flattered you all thought it was a good idea - thank you!

[avros]

Its ages since I had a job interview. However, Tommy goes for a job interview and is asked what sort of employment package he expects. Well replies Tommy what I expect is a starting salary of $40,000, six weeks holiday a year and a Jaguar for the company car. - Okay says the interviewer. How about this? We pay you $50,000 a year, rising to $80,000 a year. After two years. You get eight weeks annual leave. You get your own secretary and a PA and we promote you to a board member after four years.? Wow. Was Tommy's reply. You've got to be joking. I am, replies the interviewer. But you started it.

[avros]

An applicant is filling out his job application form. When he comes to the question. Have you ever been arrested?. He answers, no. The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative, was. Why.? The applicant wrote down - Never got caught.

[fluffymoat4]

Avros - I just wanted to say that your last few jokes cracked me up - so much so that I'm going back to my housework with a huge grin on my face - thank you so much!

[fluffymoat4]

To Alan and everyone,
As from tomorrow (Friday) I've decided to post just one joke each week on Funnybones (on a Friday) instead of daily - this is to give other people more encouragement to post their own favourite jokes. At least I hope it will encourage more people to post jokes??

[lin]

Hi Avros...I have to agree with Little Mo, they were hysterical...where do you get them from?

Lin

[lin]

A bit naff, but hey it's better than nothing..lol!

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.


Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco BellChihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .



“Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[fluffymoat4]

A couple that had been living together for 10 years decide to get married. She demands the best of everything and even buys a designer dress for the occasion. The limousines are booked, the lavish flowers ordered, a hall and marquee, which could fit in 1,000 guests, was booked, a well-known photographer was hired and a honeymoon in Hawaii paid for in advance. Everything was going well until the morning of the wedding – the groom couldn’t find his new shoes anywhere so the bride who was having her make-up applied by a beautician and her hair professionally styled suggested he “look under the bed”. Fortunately he found his shoes and, as he retrieved them he noticed a box marked “Premium Bonds”. He shouted through to his bride-to-be, “Darling, I found a box marked ‘Premium Bonds’ under the bed, know anything about it?” “Oh, sure” she replied. “I decided that each time I was unfaithful to you I would buy £50 worth of Premium Bonds.” He is relieved when he lifts the lid and the box is empty. His bride-to-be then adds, “I cashed them in to pay for the wedding!”



Lin - loved your joke about the 3 dogs - "liver alone" "cheese mine" - never heard that one before!

[lin]

Where do you get them all Mo?...lol! loved it...glad you liked the one about the dogs

Lin

[Alan]

Hi Everyone,

Funny Bones is now also on the main site and will be updated from the forum as pages are added. As will the Thoughts For The Day.

You can access both from the homepage down the Left-Hand side.

Cheers for now,

Alan