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Post by patricia on Oct 7, 2006 20:09:33 GMT -1
the elephant is a bonny bird
it flicks from bough to bough
it makes its nest in a rhubarb tree
and whistles like a cow
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Post by patricia on Oct 7, 2006 20:12:01 GMT -1
one fine day in the middle of the night
two dead men got up to fight
back to back they faced each other
drew their swords and shot each other
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Post by tony38337 on Oct 8, 2006 7:29:19 GMT -1
Now both of those I remember from junior shool except we used to say that the elephant was a dainty bird..
Tony T
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Post by patricia on Oct 8, 2006 8:46:49 GMT -1
i have always known it as bonny lol thought someone may have heard them.
pat
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 8, 2006 15:49:01 GMT -1
;D JOKE OF THE DAY ;D A young farmer buys a few sheep and a ram, hoping they’ll breed and so increase his stock. He rings the local vet to ask what signs he should look for to indicate that the sheep are pregnant. The vet says that pregnant sheep stop standing around and instead lie down and wallow in grass. After a few months, he notices that none of the sheep appear to be pregnant so he phones the vet for further advice. The vet does some tests on the ram and comes to the conclusion that he is fact sterile! The farmer can’t afford to buy another ram so the vet suggests giving the sheep artificial insemination and writes down the phone number of a technician. When the farmer rings the technician he discovers that it’ll cost a fortune to have each sheep artificially inseminated and, even then, there’d be no guarantee it would work. The farmer decides to impregnate them himself so he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has s*x with them all then brings them back to the farm and goes to bed. He decides to do this every day for a week to be on the safe side. On the seventh day he is so tired he can’t even get out of bed. He asks his wife to look out of the bedroom window to see if any of the sheep are lying down in the field. She answers, “No, they’re all sat in your Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn!” |
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Post by Lisa on Oct 10, 2006 10:19:50 GMT -1
An elderly lady takes her pet duck to the vets saying that it doesnt seem well. The vet examines it and pronounces the duck dead. The elderly lady demands a second opinion so the vet goes into the waiting room and brings back a Labrador dog. The dog sniffs at the dead duck and shakes its head. The vet then brings in a cat, who sniffs the duck and shakes its head. The vet then confirms that the duck is definitely dead. "That'll be £250" says the vet to the lady. "What, £250 to tell me that my duck is dead?" "Well" said the vet "thats the going rate for a Lab Test and a Cat Scan".  |
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 10, 2006 19:50:57 GMT -1
 JOKE OF THE DAY A man comes home from work early one day to find his wife working out with some expensive weightlifting equipment. “What on earth have you wasted all our money on this stuff for?” he asks. “I’m trying to make my breasts bigger” she replies. “Well you don’t need all this equipment for that, just wipe between them everyday with toilet tissue” he says. She looks puzzled and asks “how would wiping them with toilet tissue help?” He replies, “Well look what it’s done to your bum!” Thanks to everyone who has contributed jokes - please keep them coming! |
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 11, 2006 20:17:57 GMT -1
JOKE OF THE DAY A young boy, around ten years old, walks into his local grocer's store and picks up a large box of Persil soap powder. When placing it on the counter the grocer asks if he’s doing the laundry for his mother. “No”, says the boy “My dog needs cleaning!” “Ah!” said the grocer “in that case you shouldn’t use soap powder – it could make the dog ill or even kill it!” The boy ignores the advice and buys the powder. A few days later the boy returns to the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked how his dog was and the boy replied, “Oh, he died!” The grocer said, “I’m sorry to hear that but I did TRY telling you not to use soap powder on him!” The boy replies, “It wasn’t the soap powder that killed him – it was the spin cycle on the washing machine!” |
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 12, 2006 20:03:10 GMT -1
JOKE OF THE DAY The Norse God of thunder, Thor, was going along the clouds on his chariot shouting, "I'm Thor I'm Thor"! After 5 minutes of hearing this his horse gets fed up. It turns round and says, "you think your Thor, I'm tho thor I can't pith." |
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 13, 2006 17:28:11 GMT -1
;D JOKE OF THE DAY ;D A young and beautiful woman gets into a lift in a shopping precinct, smelling strongly of expensive perfume. An old lady wrinkles her nose at the overpowering smell and is informed airily, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, £100 an ounce!" Another young and beautiful woman gets into the lift and also smells strongly of expensive perfume. The little old lady again wrinkles her nose and is informed snootily, "Chanel No. 5, £150 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old lady has reached her destination and is about to get off the lift. Before she leaves, she turns toward both beautiful women, squeezes out a fart and yells “Broccoli - 49 pence a pound!" |
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Post by joetaylor on Oct 13, 2006 17:37:23 GMT -1
Hi Little Mo where do you get all these jokes from |
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Post by climb57 93/20 on Oct 13, 2006 17:58:14 GMT -1
A man goes into a library and asks the librerian for a book on how to commit suicide, top shelf she said so he went and looked but no books, came back and told the girl, she replied no they never bring them back!
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Post by Lisa on Oct 13, 2006 18:38:37 GMT -1
Hi Joe, Little Mo once told us that she got her jokes from a loo roll that someone had bought her for Christmas. Its posted on the Funny Bones site if you want to look at it.
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 13, 2006 20:47:12 GMT -1
Joe, sorry but I can't reveal my sources or you'd all be off checking out where I get my jokes from and you'd never visit MY spot on Manmates now would you?
Seriously though, a lot are jokes my dear departed dad told me - in fact he used to clip out jokes from newspapers and magazines, whenever he saw a joke he considered to be "his" originally. On one visit he gave me an envelope containing all these clipped jokes, all so neatly stacked that I thought it was a wad of cash! LOL
We moved house 2 years ago and the jokes got packed away in one of the boxes. I've yet to rediscover them! Had I known he was going to pass last year I think I'd never have let them out of my sight!! It'll be fun when I do finally find them - I'll be able to post them on manmates and it'll be like having a tribute to him!
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 13, 2006 21:00:06 GMT -1
Hi Joe, Little Mo once told us that she got her jokes from a loo roll that someone had bought her for Christmas. Its posted on the Funny Bones site if you want to look at it. SORRY but I'm afraid "Little Mo" was telling porky pies when she posted that reply. In fact she felt so guilty she even went and DELETED it in the hope no-one had SEEN it! LOL I inherited my father's sense of humour I'm afraid but it doesn't come across as humerous when put into print. Thank goodness my dad never had a p.c. or even knew how to work one because the biography he'd have left behind would have been a bl**dy joke book!! I get my jokes from numerous sources - look at my last post before this one, on FUNNY BONES. Again my apologies to anyone taken in by the bog roll "joke". |
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 14, 2006 14:16:29 GMT -1
JUST FOR A CHANGE - SOME "Boom! Boom!" jokes A body was found in the back of an ice-cream van; it was covered in hundreds and thousands so the police think he may have topped himself. Did you hear about the fight in the biscuit tin? The bandit hit the penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon and made his breakaway in a taxi! 2 bags of crisps are walking down the road on a windy and rainy night. A police car pulls up beside them and the policeman asks, "Do you want a lift?" They both reply "Sorry mate but we're Walkers!" A man goes to see his doctor because he's having trouble with his hearing. "What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor. "They're a yellow cartoon family,” says the man. A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg." A man walks into a pub with a roll of Tarmac under his arm. The barman asks, "Can I help you sir?" The man replies, "Yes I’ll have a pint of lager… oh and one for the road please.” B O O M ! B O O M ! |
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 15, 2006 15:45:32 GMT -1
 JOKE OF THE DAY Jesus was standing in for Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates when an old man shuffled up to him. "Name?" asked Jesus. "Joseph" replied the old man. "Occupation?" asked Jesus. "Carpenter" replied the old man. "Any children?" asked Jesus. "Just one, a boy" said the old man. "Really?" asked Jesus becoming curious to know more. "What was your son like?" asked Jesus "He was different to anyone I’ve ever known” said the old man “He was sweet and innocent and didn’t bare malice!" "Not once did he complain about the nails he had in his hands and feet!” Jesus looked at the old man and said, "Father?" The old man peered back and said “………………...Pinocchio?”
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 16, 2006 15:39:50 GMT -1
;D JOKE OF THE DAY ;D Two snakes resting on the branches of a tree. The first one asks “Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisoned to death?” The second Snake says, "Why do you ask?" The first one replies: "’cos I’ve just bit my lip!" |
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 17, 2006 18:13:13 GMT -1
JOKE OF THE DAY A baby turtle was standing at the base of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the base of the tree and with a sigh started to climb. About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed at the bottom, shook himself off, went to the base of the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?" |
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Post by avros on Oct 18, 2006 0:54:35 GMT -1
As we may prepare to send some presents through the post lets reflect upon a friend we may know of. Joe wishing to buy a gift for his sweetheart, visited a ladies department store with his mother. After much consideration Joe decided on a pair of gloves and his mother bought a pair of bloomers for herself. Somehow the parcels got mixed up at the store and Joe sent the parcel containing the bloomers to his sweetheart with the following message.
Dearest:
Just a little token to remind you that I am thinking of you at Chistmas time. I chose these for you because I thought you needed them, as you have not been wearing any the evenings we are out together. Had it not been for the clerk I would not have bought you long ones with buttons, but she said the were wearing them short these days. They are a delicate colour, but the clerk showed me a pair she had been wearaing for two weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. Ruth and Amy both tried them on and they are a perfect fit. How I wish I could put them on for the first time myself, but I shall be content by looking forward to the time when I shall be able to gallantly kiss the back of them. The clerk said that each time you take them off, you should blow in them to remove the moisture. Lots of love Joe.
p.s. Ruth says that the latest style is to wear them unbuttoned and hanging down so as to give the wearer a carefree look.
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Post by Lisa on Oct 18, 2006 9:51:59 GMT -1
Hi Joe, Your joke had me in hysterics ;D It wasnt you, was it, that bought the gloves for Jacquie? Sounds like the kind of thing you'd say to her.........Thanks for making me laugh, its a good job I havent put my make-up on yet  |
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 18, 2006 16:35:31 GMT -1
;D JOKE OF THE DAY ;D An elderly woman was driving her equally elderly husband through the outskirts of Manchester. A police car began tailing them before indicating that she should pull over. The policeman approached the car and waited for her to wind down her window. The officer asked, "Madam, did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman says, "May I see your licence?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your licence!" The woman gave the policeman her licence. The policeman says, "I see you are from Oldham. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he’s met you before!"
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Post by climb57 93/20 on Oct 18, 2006 17:43:13 GMT -1
quasimodo came home from a hard days bell ringing and saw his wife in the kitchen with a wok in her hand AH said quasi we are having chinese for tea , No she said Im iroing your shirts?
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 19, 2006 14:59:20 GMT -1
JOKE OF THE DAY At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know your secret" even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know your secret!” His mother quickly hands him £10 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know your secret!” The father promptly hands him £20 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the milkman leaving their milk. The boy greets him by saying, "I know your secret!” The milkman stops what he's doing, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!" |
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Post by avros on Oct 19, 2006 21:51:26 GMT -1
The milkman was rattling his bottles early one day as he approached Tommy's house. Tommy asked the guy how things were going on in the area. Good good was the reply. But Tommy replied after, I am in a big rush to get back to my party. What kind of party are you having Tommy?. It's an all day and night affair. The ladies in the room are all naked and blind folded. Sounds great said the milkman. Oh yes. As well the guys have their trousers off. Sounds even better replied the milkman. Tommy tells him the idea of the game is for the ladies to guess whos thingy they are holding. Fantastic says the milkman. Can I come in and play?. No b****y way replies Tommy. Your name has been mentioned twice allready.
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 19, 2006 22:09:41 GMT -1
Avros - thank you - that joke was SO funny! Come on folks - post your jokes and spread a bit of happiness around!
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 20, 2006 14:10:44 GMT -1
JOKE OF THE DAY An 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that... I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!" |
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Post by climb57 93/20 on Oct 20, 2006 18:42:16 GMT -1
an old age pensioner was driving down the moterway when his mobile phone rang, answering he heard his wifes voice urgently warning him, Herman I just heard on the news there is a car going the wrong way on the moterway be careful, Heck said Herman its not just one car its hundreds.
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Post by climb57 93/20 on Oct 20, 2006 21:22:47 GMT -1
three retirees, each with a hearing loss ,were taking a walk one fine march day. one remarked to the other Windy, aint it; no the second man replied its thursday, and the third man chimed in, so am I lets have a coke.
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Post by climb57 93/20 on Oct 20, 2006 21:36:06 GMT -1
a man goes to the doctor and after a thorough examination the doc tells him I have some good news and bad news, what would you like to here first? Well give me the bad news first Doc, you have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left, Oh No said the man thats awful my,life will be over What news could you probably tell me after this Doc.. you also have alzheimers in about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
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JOKE OF THE DAY 
JOKE OF THE DAY 
