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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 20, 2006 21:52:26 GMT -1
Thanks for the jokes Thomas - had to think about the COKE one but, once I got it I couldn't stop smiling!
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 21, 2006 15:34:27 GMT -1
 JOKE OF THE DAY Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong if something bad should happen between you. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it". Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?" The rest is history………… |
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Post by climb57 93/20 on Oct 21, 2006 17:26:21 GMT -1
what is the first thing your husband said to you this morning? he said where am I cathy? and why did that upset you? why because my name is susan.
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 22, 2006 16:07:23 GMT -1
;D JOKE OF THE DAY ;D A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the chap panics thinking the neighbour is going to hate him forever. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath; blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back in the hutch in the neighbour’s garden, hoping they’ll think it died of natural causes. Following day he bumps into his neighbour and asks "How's things?" The neighbour replies, "Not too good mate - our rabbit died so we buried it. The following day we found his body back inside the hutch, someone had dug him up, give him a bath and put him back in the hutch. There are some really sick people out there!" |
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 23, 2006 14:48:53 GMT -1
 JOKE OF THE DAY In court a Judge faces the man in the dock and says,” on the 3rd of August 2005 you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. A man at the back stood up and shouted, “You dirty rat!” The judge tapped his gavel and shouted, “Silence in court!” The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 3rd of August 2005 you are accused of killing your best friend by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?” "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again a man at the back stood up and shouted, “You dirty, rotten rat!” Again the judge demanded “Silence in court!” But the man, still standing, shouted, “You dirty, rotten, stinking rat!” At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I shall have you removed from the courtroom. I understand your feelings but you must refrain from commenting. Were the victims relatives of yours?” “No”, says the man, “I’m a neighbour”. “Then why are you harassing this man?” the judge asks. The man says, “Twice I asked if I could borrow a hammer and twice he told me he didn’t have one!”
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 23, 2006 21:27:24 GMT -1
Meant to tell you Jean - I met one of hubby's workmates and his wife the other day and she had a really nice hairdo, very expensive clothes, well-manicured nails and very expensive perfume on. Now I happen to know that, like me, she doesn't work. Like us they have a huge mortgage. But whereas they have two sons and a daughter we only have the one son. Anyway, once they'd gone out of earshot I asked my hubby if he knew how she could look that good and yet, really they should be worse off than us. He told me that his workmate had confessed that he had to pay her anytime he wanted an "early night". I suggested that we do the same thinking that I'd build myself a nice nest egg up. Anyway, that night, sure enough he wanted an early night so I reminded him that he'd have to give me some money first. All of a sudden he turned over and started to go to sleep so I asked him what the matter was. He said he didn't have any cash on him so I got out of bed. He asked me if I was mad with him and I replied "no, I'm just getting my purse so I can lend you some money!"
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Post by avros on Oct 23, 2006 23:12:07 GMT -1
Doctor doctor I can't stop singing this one song. What is the song ask's the doctor? Gee all day and night I keep singing - The Green Green Grass of Home. That sounds like a Tom Jones syndrome. Said the doctor. Is it common? Asks the patient. Well. Said the doctor. IT'S NOT UNUSUAL
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Post by avros on Oct 24, 2006 0:56:22 GMT -1
The aircraft is about to crash and a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces . If I'm going to die I want to die feling like a woman. She removes all her clothes and asks. Is there someone on this aircraft who's man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up and takes of his shirt and says. Here, iron this.
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 24, 2006 15:49:22 GMT -1
;D JOKE OF THE DAY ;D Three friends meet up for a coffee. The conversation turns as usual, to their lazy partners. First friend says, “If I didn’t do all the cooking my husband would starve!” Second friend says, “If I didn’t do all the ironing mine would go naked!” Third friend says, “If I didn’t wake him up each morning he’d never go to work!” They all decide it’s time to take a stand and change their men. They agree to meet up the following week to compare notes. At their next meeting the first friend says, “I told my husband he had to learn to cook. First day I didn’t see anything, second day still didn’t see anything but by the third day he’d cooked us a roast dinner!” Second friend says, “I told my husband that he had to start ironing things. First day I didn’t see anything, second day still didn’t see anything but on the third day I came in from the garden and he’d ironed all his things AND mine too!” Third friend said, “I told my husband that he had to get himself up for work from now on. First day I didn’t see anything, second day still didn’t see anything but by the third day the swelling on my eyes had gone down and I could see just a little bit!”
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Post by avros on Oct 24, 2006 20:32:14 GMT -1
A couple of drinking tales. Two men having a drink together. One says. I had sex with my wife before we were married. What about you? I dont know, says the other man. What was her maiden name?
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Post by avros on Oct 24, 2006 20:45:14 GMT -1
Patrick and Michael go to a pub and see a sign saying. Buy a double whiskey and get a chance for free sex. Right away they both bought a double whiskey. They both then enquired how do they get free sex. It's simple said the barman. I think of a number between 1 and 10 and if you guess right you get free sex. Okay I guess 3 says Patrick. No says the barman. Next day another double whisky for the boys. Patrick guesses 2. Sorry wrong was the reply, better luck next time. The following day more double whiskies. This time Patrick guesses 6. No sorry wrong again. - Patrick turns to Mickael and says. Y'know I'm beging to think this contest is a rigged. Oh no no says Michael. My wife tried last week and won three times.
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Post by avros on Oct 24, 2006 20:56:04 GMT -1
Two young lads go to confession. In the booth the first boy admits to having sex with a girl but refuses to name her. The priest asks, It wasn't Mary Jones was it? No father was the reply. The priest asks, was it Angela Brown? No father the boy answered. It wasn't Jane Carter, by any chance.. no father the boy again replied. The priest gives up and says. Well for you pennance say fifty Hail Mary's and leave half your pocket money in the poor box. When the boy leaves his friend asks him how it went. The boy replies. Not bad , a $5 and three great leads.
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Post by avros on Oct 24, 2006 20:58:13 GMT -1
There's nothing wrong with sex on the TV --- As long as you don't fall off.
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Post by norman on Oct 25, 2006 1:19:45 GMT -1
I have just read the lot and am late for work, what a great start to the day, thanks all of you
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Post by moonshine on Oct 25, 2006 10:22:44 GMT -1
Hi Mo
A friend of mine who has just had a vasectomy recieved the following e-mail: "There's a new drink on the market called 'vasectomy' it's 'Dry Sack' on the rocks!".
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Post by moonshine on Oct 25, 2006 10:34:08 GMT -1
God says to Adam "go give Eve a hug". Adam: "What's a hug?" God explains. After a minute or two Adam returns and God asks if he enjoyed it to which adam replied "yes". "Now" says God, "go give Eve a kiss". Adam: "What's a kiss?" God explains. After aminute or two Adam returns and God asks if he enjoyed it to which Adam replied "very much". "Now" says God go and make love to Eve. Adam: "What's 'making love'?" God explains and off he goes only to return half a minute later. Adam says "God, what's a headache?".
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 25, 2006 12:23:14 GMT -1
Thanks for all the recent contributions of jokes - good job I don't blush easily! LOL
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 25, 2006 16:12:44 GMT -1
 JOKE OF THE DAY Two not-so-bright fishermen decided to rent a boat on a nearby lake. They chose a quiet, tranquil spot and set up their equipment. An hour passed and they caught no fish so they move the boat. Again an hour passed, still they caught nothing and so moved the boat. Finally, after a few minutes they are rewarded with their first catch. For the next hour they catch around twelve fish each and decide to call it a day. One fisherman turns to the other and says “we should mark this spot and come again another day”. The other fisherman agrees, gets out an aerosol can of paint and promptly sprays a large X on the bottom of the boat. The other fisherman looked at him in disbelief and said, “Why did you go and do that? Now anyone who hires this boat will know where all the fish are!”
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Post by Lisa on Oct 25, 2006 18:17:54 GMT -1
Hi Tommy, Isnt our Joe priceless with his jokes??? How are you Tommy?
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Post by Clive Dawber on Oct 26, 2006 12:15:17 GMT -1
A man walks into the vets with his cat.
" It's just been run over, vet, could you check him out for me " ?
The vet says " I'm sorry, but your cat is dead "
" But you just can't say that by looking at him" he said. " I need a more professional opinion "
OK says the vet - I'll bring out my pet Labrador to look at him.
So, the Labrador looks at the cat and goes " woof " !
Next, he brings out his pet Siamese cat.
The cat takes a look at him and goes "meeoww "
The vet says " yep, you're cat is definitely dead, and here's you're bill for 500 pounds "
"But ' says the man - why does it cost so much ?
The vet says - " well. I was going to charge you 5 qiud, but once you involve a Lab test and a
Cat scan - that's where the money is !
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Post by Clive Dawber on Oct 26, 2006 12:22:03 GMT -1
A doctor visits his patient in hospital.
He says " I've got good news - and I've got bad news "
Patient : " What's the bad news ?
Doc : " We've amputated the wrong leg "
Patient : Whats the good news ?
Doc : " You're other leg is going to get better !
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Post by Clive Dawber on Oct 26, 2006 12:30:54 GMT -1
Geoff Boycott goes to the doctors.
Excuse me . doc, but I've got this cricket ball jammed in my bum "
The doc says " how's that ?
Geoff. " Don't you b****y start !
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Oct 26, 2006 15:13:32 GMT -1
 JOKE OF THE DAY A cabbie driving round the streets of Manchester picks up a late night fare. As he drives towards the address given the passenger reaches forward and taps him on the shoulder. The driver screams, loses control of his car and swerves onto the wrong side of the road, narrowly missing a bus full of passengers. He ends up mounted on the pavement just inches from a huge plate glass window. The cabbie turns to the passenger and says, “look pal, don’t EVER do that again, you scared the living daylights out of me!” The passenger apologised and explained that he hadn’t realised his “little tap” would have scared him that much. The cabbie replied, “Sorry, it wasn’t really your fault, this is my first day driving a taxi – for the past 20 years I had driven a hearse!” Thanks for all the recent contributions - I see I have competition eh? Wouldn't mind but I'm seeing jokes I've never seen before! Bring them on!! LOL |
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Post by joetaylor on Oct 26, 2006 15:17:49 GMT -1
A muslim woman came to the door last night,but i wouldn't open it.I spoke to her through the letterbox ,lets see how she ....... likes it
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Post by Lisa on Oct 26, 2006 15:42:04 GMT -1
Hi Clive, Sorry but I beat you to that one if you look on the jokes page, worded a little differently, but still the same joke...... |
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Post by avros on Oct 26, 2006 19:37:30 GMT -1
Tommy and Joe go to heaven. St Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells them they will each get a car depending upon how faithful they were in life. Tommy's record was very good. He had been married for 24 years and was completely faithful - so he gets a Rolls Royce. On the other hand, Joe had five affairs during his marriage and only gets a third hand Ford Fiesta. A week later the two meet up in Heaven. Joe meets up with Tommy crying by the road side. What's the matter?. Asks joe. I thought you would be enjoying the Rolls Royce. I was replies Tommy, sobbing. But then I just saw my wife go by on a Skateboard.
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Post by avros on Oct 26, 2006 19:51:54 GMT -1
The wonders of science these days. A woman goes to hospital to have a baby and is shown a machine that can transfer all the pain related to childbirth, to the father. The womans husband agrees, looking at his wife in distress and he is hooked up to the machine. The labour is long and difficult, but the husband feels no pain at all. The doctors are mystified as to why no one was suffering. However all is okay and the couple and baby are sent home. The next day the husband rings the hospital and says. I think I know why I wasn't feeling any pain. When we got home, we found the milkman dead on the doorstep.
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Post by avros on Oct 27, 2006 0:04:28 GMT -1
A few doctor jokes -- Doctor, doctor I feel like a pair of curtains. For goodness sake pull yourself together. Doctor, doctor I think Im a bridge. What comes over you? Two cars a truck and a bus. Doctor, doctor I've just swallowed a pen. Well sit down and write your name. Doctor, docter I've hurt my arm in several places. Well don't go there any more
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Post by avros on Oct 27, 2006 0:25:24 GMT -1
Hi Babs did you hear the joke about City and United - United turn up at City's ground pregnant doging like hell for having to play agaist this rubbish team. Listen to me now lads replies Fergie, it's on the books lets get it done.. Tell you what boss replies Rooney. I could beat these lemons on my own on my own. Okay says Fergie the rest of us will go to the bar and cheer for you. After a while Fergie finds out the score is 1 -0 for United. Magic boy that Rooney he tells the rest of the team. Later on they find out the game finished in draw 1-1. All the team is horrified now and they race back to ground. There they see Rooney with his head in his hands. What happened asks Fergie. Sorry boss replies Rooney. The referee sent me off after 12 minutes.
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Post by avros on Oct 27, 2006 0:28:21 GMT -1
A little editing occured above. sorry
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JOKE OF THE DAY 
JOKE OF THE DAY 
JOKE OF THE DAY 
Nov 26, 2021 20:43:09 GMT -1