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Post by OLLY on Feb 1, 2011 7:11:48 GMT -1
THE NEWFOUNDLAND MIDGET !!
The testicles of a Newfoundland midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.
The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget
to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right
testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side ... then snip-snip-snip-snip on
the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to
see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered
his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said," How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."
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Post by OLLY on Feb 1, 2011 7:14:26 GMT -1
My husband (who is convinced he is a better driver than anyone) was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
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Post by gortonboy on Feb 6, 2011 12:23:55 GMT -1
Frozen Beef.
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A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows
frozen solid.
As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like
this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would
he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament
to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows
noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?"
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it's worth it.....trust me
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............."That was Thora Hird."
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Post by OLLY on Feb 6, 2011 14:34:53 GMT -1
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Post by Charlie Hind (Female) on Mar 2, 2011 11:24:26 GMT -1
What's short fat & hairy & stick's out of your pj'ama's? :-d
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Your head lol
:-)
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Post by elainegregory on Mar 5, 2011 19:54:58 GMT -1
Iwould love to be the Libyan leaders bodyguard the day an assassin takes a pot shot at him, if only for the opportunity to shout
wait for it
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GADDAFI ! DUCK!!!!!!
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Post by elainegregory on Mar 5, 2011 20:09:05 GMT -1
Man in bar orders champagne, lady next to him says" what a coincidence iv just orderd that too im celebrating" man says me too"what you celebrating ? woman says "hubby and i have been trying for years for a baby and today i found out im pregnant, what a coincidence says the man, im a farmer and for years my hens were infertile , today all my hens laid eggs , Wow says lady how did that happen ? i used a different c o c k , the lady smiled chlinked her glass and said WHAT A COINCIDENCE !
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Post by elainegregory on Mar 5, 2011 20:13:00 GMT -1
Sixty year old lady says to her husband ..... my breasts are as hot as they were forty years ago when we got married ... husband replies ... they should be ones in your coffee and the others in your porridge !!
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Post by OLLY on Mar 9, 2011 13:05:43 GMT -1
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
How soon can I go home?'
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Post by cabbyjohn on Mar 11, 2011 11:23:59 GMT -1
Baptizing an Irishman
A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found
Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds
and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The
preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found
Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'I can't see him, are you sure this is where he fell in?'
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Post by jonesg on Mar 11, 2011 14:56:01 GMT -1
How to give a cat a pill/how to give a dog a pill
First, How to Give a Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat ' s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2.. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process..
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5.. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws Ignore low growls emitted by cat.. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert sspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the d**n cat from the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little *&#%^ ' s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
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Post by cabbyjohn on Mar 15, 2011 8:42:31 GMT -1
Decisions, decisions.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a
pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and
everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this
gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we
were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on,
"You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the
technology now to build you a new willy
that will work as well as your
old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap.
It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says,
"It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something
you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one
before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put
out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to
invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's
important that she plays a role in helping you make
the decision."
The
man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"
"I have,"
says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're
having granite worktops."
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Post by moonshine on Mar 31, 2011 17:57:02 GMT -1
Today I wanted to drown my sorrows but, my wife refused to go swimming.
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Post by moonshine on Mar 31, 2011 18:03:39 GMT -1
A shoplifter leaving Asda with a joint of beef under his arm is stopped by the security guard who demands 'what are you doing with that?' The shoplifter replies; 'I thought a bit of broccoli, a few carrots and peas'.
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Post by Lisa on Apr 1, 2011 7:23:16 GMT -1
HI MOONSHINE, GREAT TO SEE YOU ON MM AGAIN. HOPE EVERYTHING IS GOING WELL FOR YOU IN ZIMBABWE. I often think of you.   |
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Post by moonshine on Apr 1, 2011 19:05:05 GMT -1
Hi Lisa, great to see you too.
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Post by lin on Apr 7, 2011 15:16:55 GMT -1
WAS NOT SURE WHERE TO PUT THIS ONE COS ITS NOT A JOKE...BUT I SUPPOSE SOME WILL SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF IT.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
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Post by soloblue on Jun 11, 2011 7:59:48 GMT -1
Did you hear about the guy who tried to chat up a cheetah? He tried to pull a fast one
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Post by baycityroller on Jun 14, 2011 10:06:27 GMT -1
Latest government lifestyle statistics show that six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.
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Post by jackaitch on Jul 31, 2011 14:30:37 GMT -1
From a list of jokes received this morning
in the dark guy reaches for his Liquid Viagara by mistake he takes a swig of"whiteout"...wakes the
next morning with........a huge correction!!!
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Post by elainegregory on Aug 13, 2011 21:20:51 GMT -1
The first conviction has been made of a thug who ransacked D F S he was given a hefty fine but nothing to pay until 2012 then 4 years interest free credit.
Syria : riots stop when authorities use tanks, Italy:riots stop as police fire rubber bullets, Greece: end to riots as police deploy tear gas, England: riots stop because its raining, makes one proud to be british !
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Post by Lisa on Aug 14, 2011 6:14:34 GMT -1
Was this posting meant to be put in the 'Joke' Thread? The first conviction has been made of a thug who ransacked D F S he was given a hefty fine but nothing to pay until 2012 then 4 years interest free credit. Syria : riots stop when authorities use tanks, Italy:riots stop as police fire rubber bullets, Greece: end to riots as police deploy tear gas, England: riots stop because its raining, makes one proud to be british ! |
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Post by crabbygit on Aug 14, 2011 14:02:42 GMT -1
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.' what about you?"
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked,
'Are you a real pilot?'
'I thought I was, but I just found out I am a lesbian !'
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Post by parbuster on Aug 16, 2011 17:08:38 GMT -1
In an old peoples home an old lady is rushing round the room shouting"If anyone can guess what is in my right hand they can have sex with me tonight" an old gentleman at the back of the room shouts"An elephant"the old lady thinks a while and says"That's near enough"
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Post by elainegregory on Nov 8, 2011 20:06:30 GMT -1
A young man met a very attractive girl in a bar, after quite a few drinks he takes her home, A little while later they go up stairs, as they start to undress a voice says " I hope thats not that fat b****r you brought home last week" oh my gosh says the girl, who"s that ?
"dont worry says the man........................
thats .............
just................
that...............
blasted..........
memory foam mattress !!!!!!!!!!
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Post by elainegregory on Nov 14, 2011 22:17:46 GMT -1
Just bought a guard dog to protect my house, its useless, it lets everyone in , turns out its a uk border collie !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by elainegregory on Nov 14, 2011 22:26:26 GMT -1
I took my son for his first pint , got him a pint of fosters, he didnt like it, so i had it
got him a pint of guinness, he didnt like it, so i had it
got him carlsberg, he didnt like it, so i had it,
by the time he had tried the wiskey, rum, vodka i could hardly push the b****y pram !
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Post by elainegregory on Nov 14, 2011 22:32:28 GMT -1
A native american red indian introduced me to his wife.....This is four horses he said, WOW !That a beautiful name what does it mean ?........
he replied b****y nag nag nag nag
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Post by elainegregory on May 6, 2012 21:25:52 GMT -1
My best friend has just died of severe hartburn, cant belive gav is gone !
texting for the over 50s.....
the kids have all their little codes like BFF, LOL.etc, so here are some codes for the more mature...........................................................................................................................................ATD.......... At the doctors
BFF.............. Best friends funeral
BTW .............Bring the wheelchair
FWIW ........Forgot where i was
GGPB...........................Gotta go pacemaker battery low
GHA..............................Got heartburn again
HGBM.............................Had good bowel movement
IMHO............................Is my hearing aid on
WAITT...........................Who am I talking to
GGLKI............................Gotta go laxative kickin in
RANG THE COUNCIL TODAY TO ASK IF I CAN HAVE A SKIP OUTSIDE MY HOUSE HE SAID YUO CAN DO CARTWHEELS FOR ALL I CARE !!
MIKE AND DAVE WERE IN THE PUB TALKING ABOUT THERE SEX LIVES , MIKE BOASTS THE WIFE AND ME ARE AT IT LIKE RABBITS !! YOU LUCKY SOD REPLIES DAVE , WE ONLY DO IT ONCE A MONTH AND I CALL IT THE BRUCE LEE NIGHT, WHY DO YOU CALL IT THAT HIS MATE ASKS, THATS THE NIGHT I ENTER THE DRAGON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by climb57 93/20 on Feb 2, 2014 22:03:09 GMT -1
how many united players does it take to change a light bulb ... eleven but they are all sat around admiring the last one
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