FUNNY BONES! Please add jokes.

[lin]

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all
part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but please. don't eat any of the
other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard
and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries
has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!! "

[lin]

MY LIVING WILL..................


Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state,dependent on some
machine & fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a b i t c h.....

[OLLY]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know there are 250 men here on the post and no women and sometimes the men have 'urges''.

That's why we have Molly the Camel.' The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his trousers down and makes wild, passionate love to the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

No not really, sir... 'They usually just ride the camel into town to where the girls are.'

[lin]

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States..'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded.'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'

[lin]

PADDY BUYS TWO GOLDFISH AND CALLS THEM ONE AND TWO.
MICK SAYS, "THAT'S FUNNY NAMES WHY DID YOU CALL THEM THAT?".
PADDY REPLIES, "WELL IF ONE DIES, I STILL GOT TWO LEFT".

[lin]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

[Lisa]

The Importance Of Walking:

Walking can add minutes to your life
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home
At $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60...
Now he's 97 years old
And we don't know where the hell he is.

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
Once I warm up I feel happy
It's been a long time since I've heard heavy breathing!

[lin]

Nigel's business trip had gone quite well, but he was ready to return home to the warmth of his family. Bristol airport, on the other hand, had turned a tacky red and green; the loudspeakers blared annoying renditions of once cherished Christmas carols and ancient pop songs.

Nigel enjoyed Christmas and took it very seriously, and being slightly tired and irritable, he just wanted to get home. He approached the check in desk humming a carol quietly to himself in an attempt to keep his spirits up.

He began to check in his one suitcase when he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and more pointed parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very surreal type of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the girl at the desk, 'Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.'

'Sir,' replied the attendant politely, 'look more closely at where the mistletoe is.'

'Ok,' muttered Nigel, 'I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss.'

'That's not why it's there.'

'Ok, I give up. Why is it there?' snapped Nigel irritably.

The attendant quipped: 'It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.'

[lin]

Try reading through these children's science exam answers ;d ;d ;d ;d

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

[OLLY]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

[OLLY]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15 but please carry on'

[OLLY]

Irish Maths Test ;D ;D ;D

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9..'
'Without numbers?' The Irishman says, 'Dat is easy,' and proceeded to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asked.
'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine,' said the Irishman.

'Fair enough,' said the boss.
'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go'

The boss scratched his head and said, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'
;D ;D ;D
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said,
'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'


The boss looked at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, 'A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.'

'So, when do I start?' ........

[OLLY]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't
mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the
duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What
are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the
duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from
his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich,
bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to
him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business
card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying
really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .




..".WHAT THE HELL WOULD THEY WANT WITH A PLASTERER"..!!!!

[OLLY]

ORR LISA........MADE MI BLUSH THAT JOKE........

[OLLY]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down




Finally, the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear 'the rules' From the female side ...Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!




1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1... Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched..
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football ormotor sports

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

***** *****

[lin]

HEY OLLY...MAN RULES, THAT'S WHY WE ARE IN THE STATE WE'RE IN, THEY CAN'T READ MINDS AND THEY CAN'T MULTI-TASK ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Lisa]

The Airplane

After an British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain activated the public address system and announced...

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293 from London Heathrow, flying non-stop to Toronto. The weather ahead of us today is good, so sit back, relax and enjoy ...
OH MY GOD."

Silence followed .......!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom...




"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I frightened you. As I was speaking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of tea in my lap."

Then he added, "You should see the front of my trousers!"

From one of the seats, an Irish passenger shouted ...

"Jaysus, ya should see the back of mine!"

[OLLY]

I sure hope I get Alzheimer’s WHEN I`M IN MY LATE EIGHTIES..



At 85 years of age, Martin married Rose, a lovely 25 year old
ironing lady from the Philipines.

Since her new husband is so old, Rose decides that after their
wedding she and Martin should have separate bedrooms, because she is
concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they
spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Rose prepares herself for bed
and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the
door opens and there is Martin , her 85 year old groom, ready for
action. They unite as one. All goes well, Martin takes leave of his
bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.


After a few minutes, Rose hears another knock on her bedroom
door, and it's Martin , Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat
surprised, Rose consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are
done, Martin kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it -
Martin Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a
25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each
other. But as Martin gets set to leave again, his young bride says to
him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so
well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age
who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Martin.'

Martin , somewhat embarrassed, turns to Rose and says: 'You
mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old,
Alzheimer's has its advantages.

[OLLY]

..........A WER JOGGIN THROUGH CLAYTON PARK ONE DAY...WEARING JUST T-SHIRT AND SHORTS.....WENST I CAME UPPON A TENNIS BALL ON THE PATH......I PICKED IT UP...BUT HAVING NO POCKETS IN MI SHORTS ..A PUT IT DOWN THE FRONT OF MI SHORTS..AND STARTED JOGGING.....A LADY WHO WAS JOGGING TOWARD MI STOPPED AND SAID..."WHATS THAT IN YOUR SHORTS.." I SAID...A TENNIS BALL.....SHE SAID "OOOO THAT MUST BE PAINFULL......A USED TO AV TENNIS ELBOW".....
.................BOOM-BOOM.........

[OLLY]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a
problem.

I have two female parrots,

but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no
time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

[OLLY]

These two guys were talking on a street corner when a large dog comes over lies down and starts licking its b*lls in the way that dogs commonly do. One guy chuckles and says, "I'd be happy if I could do that." The other guy says, "Go ahead, just make sure you pat him first."
olly

[OLLY]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "The Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

"Nice tits", says the man, "where do you want these blinds?".

olly

[OLLY]

an oldie but goodie


An octopus walks into a bar and say's "l can play ANY musical instrument"

A Englishman throws him a guitar,which he plays better than Hendrix..

A Irishman throws him a piano, Which he plays better than Elton..

A Scotsman throws hit a set of bag pipes..

The Octopus fumbles with them for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman say's " What's wrong?? Can't ye play it??"

The octopus say's PLAY IT?? I'm gonna make love to her all night, once l get her pyjamas off".......
olly

[OLLY]

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred
notices a
photo of a man on her bedside table.
At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never
mentioned
it so why should he.

But after a month or so he begins to stress about it; even
imagining the
photo is staring at him doing the deed .

It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask
about it.

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.


"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"thats me before the surgery, now come on"'..........

[OLLY]

....A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, Buk Buk BUK. The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say, Buk Buk BuKKOOK! The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook! The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "REDDIT....REDDIT....REDDIT.."

[OLLY]

THE BATHTUB TEST
*****************

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teasspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the sspoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

[OLLY]

.........Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You
always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement but once a week. You take laxatives,eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' happens!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movements?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't get up until 7:00." ......

[OLLY]

......THE CHICKEN FARMER......


A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.

''What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'For the longest time, my husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different c.ock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass, and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[OLLY]

.....A blonde gets a job as a teacher

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids

are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to

speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the goal keeper"

[climb57 93/20]

quasi modo came home from a hard days bell ringing to find Ezmeralda in the kitchen with a wok in her hand , aha Ezmeralda were having Chinese for tea, no she replied I'm ironing your shirt !