FUNNY BONES! Please add jokes.

[OLLY]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day , and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly
60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop
dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the skippin'

[mavis]

Found this joke hilarious Olly,
Couldn't stop laughing, really tickled my fancy!!!!

[lin]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of
the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come
up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.

[lin]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I.. Let's have a beer.'

**************************************

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on
through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, ' Mildred , did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, c r a p, am I driving ?'

[lin]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Super s e x.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Super s e x.' He sat silently for a
moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

[lin]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ...I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need
to know?'
**************************************

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, ' Herman , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman , 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

[cabbyjohn]

An Irishman goes onto the Antiques road show dragging a large box behind him. "This must be very old" the man says. "It's been in the loft at home for as long as I can remember". The expert looks it over very carefully, and asks the man, "Have you got insurance"? "No" replied the man, "Is it valuable"? "Not really", replied the expert. "It's your hot water tank".

[odtricia1]

I had never realised how many jokes there could be, I had to make a run to the loo for all the laughing. Keep them coming. I have a few I might include. Will be in touch later.

[Lisa]

Hi Patricia, You should join the Tena Lady Club when you read our jokes..... ;D

Oct 22, 2010 10:26:01 GMT -1 odtricia1 said:

I had never realised how many jokes there could be, I had to make a run to the loo for all the laughing. Keep them coming. I have a few I might include. Will be in touch later.

[OLLY]

****** THE OLD TIMERS *******



The
husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do
you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We
went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I
made love to you.'

'Yes',
she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,'
he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old
time's sake?'

'Oh
Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A
police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll
just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So
he follows them.
The
elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided
by walking sticks..
Finally,
they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
As
she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...
Then
suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This
goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises
Finally,
they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The
policeman is amazed.
He
thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know
After
about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the
old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The
policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this
is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So,
as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse
me, but that was something else.
Is
there some sort of secret to this?'
You
must've had a fantastic life together.

Shaking,
the old man is barely able to reply,

..........HE SAID

..........50 YRS AGO....THAT WASNT AN ELECTRIC FENCE

[ravydave]

I wont be trying that again.

[ravydave]

I wont be trying that again.

[jnealedroylsden]

Oct 26, 2010 15:23:55 GMT -1 @ravydave said:

I wont be trying that again.

no I wouldn't either if I were you wuld be a shock to your whole system if you tried it like that and it would be an even bigger shock if you asked Mo in the first place

[cabbyjohn]

Two American Tourists are driving through Wales,

At Llanfairpwlgwyngylgogerychwyrndrobwyllantsilliogogog they stop for a bit of lunch, one of the tourists asks the waitress, "Before we order, could you settle a argument, can You pronounce where we are very very very slowly ?"

The waitress leans over and says, "Burr-Gurr-King"

[cabbyjohn]

A newly wed husband proudly open his lunch box at work and takes out the sandwiches that his young wife has prepared for his lunch. She has wrapped them neatly in fancy paper tied with a little bow on the top, and also placed a little love note in the box along with the sandwiches.

As his workmates looked on in envy he took a bite out of one of the sandwiches and immediately spat it out and started to puke.

When he arrived home from work he said to his wife, "What did you put on those sandwiches today"? "Crab paste darling", she replied. "Well it tasted vile, it must have been off" he replied, "Where did you buy it from, Tesco"? "No" she replied sweetly, " I bought it from Boots"!.

[OLLY]

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says,

'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

[odtricia1]

Hope you enjoy these, I received them from a friend today and they made me smile.

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became
harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort. The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching.
The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.
While the man was away, the assistant told the villagers, 'Look at all these monkeys
in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and
when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

Now you know how the stock market works.


Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating
room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about.

I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

...

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise
this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the
lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

[odtricia1]

Winalot in Tesco

A real story by a man who was standing in a queue at Tesco's in Mansfield....

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my b***s and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?

[odtricia1]

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub. The publican slips the money along to the local pr*stitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

[OLLY]

***********SHOULD CHILDREN WITNESS CHILDBIRTH*******

Due to a power cut... only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked linda, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, linda did as she was asked. jean pushed and pushed and after a little while, the baby was born. the paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.the baby began to cry. ..... The paramedic then thanked linda for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. linda quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack him again !!!"

[cabbyjohn]

I arrived home yesterday to find all the doors and windows smashed in, and all the food taken. What sick B*****d would do that to an advent calender?

[codger]

Heard about the fat, alcoholic, transvestite?

Just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary

[haggi13]

skeleton goes in the pub says to barman pint of bitter me and a mop and bucket

[jonesg]

Descartes walked into a pub.
Bartender said "want a drink"?
Descartes said " I think not".

And he vanished.

[lin]

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.....
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets!

Happy Gardening.

[cabbyjohn]

Question....... What do you call a gay man with aids who goes on a blind date clutching a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates?

Answer...... An incurable romantic!

[jnealedroylsden]

Jan 11, 2011 13:44:52 GMT -1 cabbyjohn said:

Question....... What do you call a gay man with aids who goes on a blind date clutching a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates?

Answer...... An incurable romantic!

WHAT YER LIKE!!!!!!!!!!

[cabbyjohn]

I have just received my copy of Gerry Rafferty's funeral service. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, and as usual I am stuck in the b****y middle with you!

[jnealedroylsden]

Man says to wife i showed them my chest and got my pension!

wife says back you should of pulled down your trousers and got us disability allowance!!

[OLLY]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and
said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."