FUNNY BONES! Please add jokes.

[lin]

The man had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his wife had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. Now, with my health failing, you are still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."

[lin]

A 60-year-old man and his 60-year-old wife were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary when a Genie suddenly appeared and offered to grant each a wish. The woman said, "I wish I could travel around the world with my husband." The Genie nodded and waved his hand and POOF! she was holding two tickets. Then the husband said, "I wish I could travel around the world with a woman 30 years younger." The Genie nodded and waved his hand, and POOF! the man was 90.

[lin]

Jim was talking to his new bride, Mary, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?" To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm." "Really?" he said excitedly. "Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'." Rob was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

[lin]

A man had placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man was deeply moved by such an outpouring of grief. He approached the man on his knees and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied through his sobs, "My wife's first husband."

[lin]

There were three guys talking in a bar. Two of them talked about the amount of control they had in their marriages, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and explained, "She said, 'Get out from under this bed and fight like a man.'"

[lin]

John and Nancy had been married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows. They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress. Nancy replied, "Silver." At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep silver ... to match her hair." Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So John, I guess you are going barefoot."

[lin]

Two women were discussing marriage. One said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband complains about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food." The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?" The first one shrugged and said, "Why should I object if he doesn't like his own cooking?"

[lin]

A man's wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her looks years younger. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five." "Oh, you're so sweet!" gushed the wife. "Well, hang on," he replied, "I'm not done adding it up yet."

[lin]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl asked, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out & wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man who was standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

[lin]

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked. "Mr. Klopman."

[lin]

a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?" With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams."

[lin]

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes in the garage, no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. She replies, "Ours is prettier."

[lin]

A jealous husband hires a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wants more than a written report: he wants video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returns with a tape. They sit down together and proceed to watch it. Although the quality is less than professional, the man sees his wife meeting another man! He sees the two of them laughing in the park. He sees them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He sees them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He sees a dozen activities shared by the gleeful man and woman. "I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said. The detective says, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!" The husband replied, "I can't believe my wife is so much fun!"

[lin]

The fireman had rushed into a burning building and rescued a pretty young woman wearing only the flimsiest of nightgowns, carrying her in his arms down three flights of stairs. As they arrived safely outside the building, she looked at him with great admiration and said, "Oh, you are wonderful. It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did." "Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to save you."

[lin]

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem anymore," the man replied. "But now my wife does."

[lin]

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says. "How so?" his friend asks. "Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me." "Was that not love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Was that not love?" "No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Was that not love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."

[lin]

A sad-faced Todd walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Todd's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Todd asked for a basket of flowers to be sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly Todd replied, "Yesterday."

[lin]

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is believed to be necessary.

[lin]

Three men are talking in a bar. The first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. I found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." The second says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." The third says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[lin]

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework -- that, he declared, was woman's work. But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "Oh -- that didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

[lin]

Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was henpecked. Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in your family?" "I do," Doug answered. Then he added, "I also wash and iron them."

[lin]

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

[lin]

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. One day he met a beautiful princess. She had ruby lips, golden hair and sapphire eyes. He fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited three more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5. But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"

[lin]

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

[lin]

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

[lin]

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

[lin]

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

[lin]

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

[lin]

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

[lin]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...