FUNNY BONES! Please add jokes.

[OLLY]

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...

"Where's that d**n monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with the old dogs...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullsh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience

[OLLY]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............





You'll like this .



NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[lin]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass,totally distraught.The whole world was against him - and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,polished it, and immediately a genie appeared.
'You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,' said the genie.'As a reward, I shall grant you one wish.''Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need, but let me
show you this dog. 'They walked to the splattered remains of the
Queen's little dog.'Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for my mother, Her Royal Highness, the Queen?' the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. 'This little
body is too mangled for even ME to bring it back. Is there something else you would like instead?'
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman named Diana,' said
Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. 'But now I love THIS
woman, Camilla' and he showed the genie the second photo. 'You see, Camilla
isn't beautiful... can you make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'
The genie studied the two photographs and said, '...Let's have another look at that dog.'

[Tigger]

If the Battle of Trafalgar had happened today.


"Order the signal, Hardy."
"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

"d**n it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"What?"
"Health & Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health & Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny!"
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of Legal Aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
"I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - Health & Safety . Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
“In that case, kiss me, Hardy."

[Tigger]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1940's, 50's, 60's 70's
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin and ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured
lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat
belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a
van - loose - was always exciting and great fun.

We drank water from the garden hose or tap and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from
one bottle or can and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and
drank cordial with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all
day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, No video games at all, No
99 channels,No Pay TV,No cable, No DVD movies or surround sound.
It's crazy!
We even had No mobile phones, No text messaging, No personal
computers, No Internet or Internet chat rooms..........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!


We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits
from these accidents.

We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the
worms did not live in us forever.

Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were
told it would happen, we didn't poke out anyone's eye.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang thebell, or just yelled for them!

Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to
learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have
had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government
regulated our lives for our own good.
and while you are at it, forward it to
your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with your eyes shut
holding a pair of scissors, doesn't it?!

[Tigger]

ITS TOUGH BEING A MAN


If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive b*****d.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self-defence.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN.....THEY WANT TO!!

[gortonboy]

Ha ha tigger,,,i was just saying the other day to my 10 yr old,,"do you know what i had in my bedroom when i was your age ,,,,,,,,,a bed !!!" . my daughter has got a tv,dvd,playstation,digi box,pc,kareoke machine,plus she has a nintendo ds,an mp3 player and a mobile phone !!!! they dont know theyre born do they ??

[Tigger]

Hi Mike ....

Too true... same here regards the bed.... though at 15 I also had a transistor radio... how cool was that 'eh..

Now.... either your 10 yo gets an over generous amount of pocket money.... or... someone buys her all them goodies.... and what excuse do we make.... yep... 'I'm only giving her/him want I never had when I was their age'.... like, since when did we have ANY of those things anyway... most kids (of my time) used to play with the same 2 or 3 toys week in week out.. and just let our imaginations run riot. We are our own worse enemies to our kids.... Don't suppose they will be any different to their own either. It called 'the modern society'.

[Tigger]

Things only a Mother can Teach

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

14. And one of my favourites... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... then you'll see what it's like"

[Tigger]

Those of clean mind - avert your eyes ...NOW!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.

''Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.''

''Tell all of your sins, my daughter.''

''Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,'' she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ''Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.''

''Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?''

''No,'' the priest says, ''but it'll wipe that smile off your face!''

[Tigger]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

[Tigger]

WOMENS LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later.
We need to talk... = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about’
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me’ = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me’ = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat ? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me! = Too late, you’re dead.
Was that the baby’ = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What’s wrong’:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!



MENS LANGUAGE TRANSLATED


These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
IT'S A GUY THING = "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
CAN I HELP WITH DINNER? = "Why isn't it already on the table?"
UH HUH, SURE BABE OR YES DEAR = “Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response”.
IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN = "I have no idea how it works."
TAKE A BREAK, DEAR. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD = “I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR. = “Are you still talking?"
YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS. = “I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL. = "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING. = "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
I CAN'T FIND IT. = "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME? = "What did you catch me at?"
I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE. = "No one will ever see us alive again."
WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK. = "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

[OLLY]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.



The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher



Insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always



Reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?



'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.



Use 'Big People' words!'



She then asked Mitchell what he had done



'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.



You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?



'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.



'What book did you read?'





Alex thought real hard about it,



Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,



'Winnie the SH*T'

[lin]

4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly
how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily
yelled in unison--'We were at your birthday party yesterday!

[OLLY]

The Irish Blonde

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at
the casino and bet Twenty thousand dollars on a single roll
of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel
much luckier when I'm completely nude.' With that, she
stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came
to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed

'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers
and then picked up her winnings and her Clothes and quickly
departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other
answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are stupid; not all
blondes are dumb; but all men are men.


.......YOU BET YOUR .... WE ARE....... ;D.....BREAD WINNERS EVEN

[lin]

Sven and Olly got fired so they went to the unemployment office. Sven walked up to the counter and politely said, "I Sven. I no job." "Okay. What did you do?" asked the clerk. "I vas da panty stitcher. I sew elastic into women's panties." "Oh, really? Let me look that up." She consulted her guidebook. "Unfortunately, Sven, I can only give you $300 a week because that's an unskilled profession." "Ho-kay. I take. Tank you veddy much!" Sven took his $300 check and sat down. Then Olly stepped up to the counter. "I Olly. I no job!" "And what did you do?" "I vas diesel fitter." "Oh. Let me look that up." She consulted the book again. "Here it is--diesel fitter. I can give you $1,000 a week because that's a skilled profession." "Tank you veddy much!" Olly took his $1,000 check, walked over to Sven and showed it to him. Sven returned to the counter in a huff! "Vas is dis? I ony make tree hunnid dollar but my friend make a tauwsand?!" "I'm sorry, Sven, but your friend's profession is skilled while your profession is unskilled." "What? What you mean? I have skill. I sew elastic into women's panties. That skill! All Olly do is put them over his head and say, 'Yah, dese'll fit her!'"

[lin]

A woman puts her newborn twins up for adoption. One went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other went to a family in Spain and was named "Juan." Years later, Juan mailed a photograph of himself to his mom. When she saw it, she told her husband that it made her want a picture of her other son, Amal. And of course her husband responded, "Why? They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"

[lin]

LIFE EXPLAINED:

God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give youa twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

In turn, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

Finally, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For then next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

[jnealedroylsden]

that's good lin how long did it take you to so that

[lin]

HI JEAN...I COPIED AND PASTED IT ;D ;D ;D

[lin]

A doctor at the asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!'' And the inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''

[lin]

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[OLLY]

Lion Tamer
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired Navy Man in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous brunette in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment—a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the old retired Navy man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old Navy Man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

**********************

[lin]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade.'

[lin]

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that
the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT
IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I
DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR WHO DID YOURS.'



DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

[lin]

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).

'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
Fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'

'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.'

Have a nice day..

[lin]

A Vicar is driving up to York and gets stopped for speeding on the motorway
The Police Officer smells alcohol on the Vicar's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the Vicar.
The Officer says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The Vicar looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[lin]

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests?" asked the Chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

[lin]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap on your shoulder would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a Taxi driver - I've been driving a Hearse for the last 25 years."

[lin]

The US Marine Corps has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: Attack or Retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:
YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:
YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded:
SIR YES SIR.