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Post by lin on Apr 16, 2008 6:06:58 GMT -1
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, Have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,"Are you sure this is where he fell in?
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Post by lin on Apr 16, 2008 6:07:17 GMT -1
You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.
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Post by lin on Apr 16, 2008 6:07:37 GMT -1
In a small town, there was a big factory that hired only married men. Upset, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous or what?" "Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders and have learned to keep their mouths shut when I yell at them."
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Post by lin on Apr 17, 2008 6:15:56 GMT -1
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. "He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
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Post by lin on Apr 17, 2008 6:16:10 GMT -1
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the exam was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I an tell my wife."
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Post by lin on Apr 17, 2008 6:16:37 GMT -1
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle.
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Post by lin on Apr 18, 2008 5:38:53 GMT -1
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, you don't understand!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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Post by lin on Apr 18, 2008 5:39:12 GMT -1
John, for heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in awhile?" whined Mary. "Huh?" John responded. "Look around you!" she yells as she points around the room. "All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm alive!" "Oh. I'm sorry." "You know, sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you'd at least look at me." "Hmmm," John mumbled in deep thought, "at least I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."
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Post by lin on Apr 18, 2008 5:39:34 GMT -1
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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Post by gortonboy on Apr 18, 2008 17:30:39 GMT -1
A MAN GOES TO TO SEE THE DOCTOR AND TELLS HIM HE HAS AN EMBARRASING SECRET. THE DOCTOR TELLS HIM NOT TO BE SHY BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN A DOCTOR FOR 40 YRS AND HE HAS HEARD ALLSORTS. "OKAY" SAYS THE MAN "EVERY TIME MY WIFE BENDS OVER THE CHEST FREEZER,I HAVE TO HAVE HER...THERE AND THEN !!!". "WELL" SAYS THE DOCTOR "THATS A LITTLE UNUSUAL,BUT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT". "THATS ALL WELL AND GOOD" SAYS THE MAN" BUT THERES NO WAY THEY ARE GONNA LET US IN ICELAND AGAIN".
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Post by lin on Apr 19, 2008 5:59:25 GMT -1
Sven and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was near the end of winter, and spring was just beginning. Sven asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some tobacco. "Sure, but I'll need some money," Lena said. Sven thought for a moment and said, "No, with the weather warming up, I don't know how thick the ice is. So just tell them to put it on my tab."
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Post by lin on Apr 19, 2008 5:59:52 GMT -1
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.
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Post by lin on Apr 19, 2008 6:00:14 GMT -1
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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Post by lin on Apr 20, 2008 5:45:38 GMT -1
The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck with the witness.
"Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander.
"I certainly did."
"And?"
"And he said, 'Yes dear you're right,' and dozed off!"
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Post by lin on Apr 20, 2008 5:45:57 GMT -1
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.
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Post by lin on Apr 20, 2008 5:46:16 GMT -1
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
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Post by lin on Apr 21, 2008 5:07:02 GMT -1
An old couple is in a taxi in America.
The taxi driver says "So which part of England are you folks from?"
The old man replies "From Yorkshire"
The old lady says "What did he say?"
The old man says "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire"
The taxi driver says "I've been to Yorkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a real b i t c h, it put me off on ever going back to England!"
The old lady says "What did he say?"
The old man says "The driver says he knows you!"
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Post by lin on Apr 21, 2008 5:07:31 GMT -1
An Englishwoman and her young son were travelling in a taxi in New York. As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by.
"Mummy" the boy asked, "what are those ladies doing?"
The mother, clearly embarassed by the question, replied: "I expect they're lost and are asking people for directions"
The taxi driver overhead this and interrupted: "why not tell the boy the truth, those women are prostitutes."
The mother blushed more brightly at this remark but the boy wouldn't let it go:
"What are prostitutes Mummy, are they like other women, do they have children too?"
"Of course" the mother replied, "that's where New York taxi drivers come from."
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Post by lin on Apr 21, 2008 5:07:50 GMT -1
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't
realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the
driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my
first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
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Post by lin on Apr 21, 2008 5:08:13 GMT -1
Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
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Post by lin on Apr 22, 2008 5:33:39 GMT -1
Two little East End kids were paddling in the sea at Southend. 'Cor,' said one, 'look at your feet. They ain't half dirty.' 'Well, we didn't have no 'oliday last year.'
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Post by lin on Apr 22, 2008 5:34:07 GMT -1
An English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man all entered a 26 mile long swimming race. After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and drops out. Then after 16 miles the English man gets tired and drops out. After 25 miles the Irish man decides he can't finish the race, so he turns around and swims back to the start.
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Post by lin on Apr 22, 2008 5:34:41 GMT -1
I knew this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the south of France. When the carp are full grown, he catches them, skins them, and makes men's wallets out of the skins. He is, in fact, a man known for his carp to carp walleting.
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Post by lin on Apr 23, 2008 5:48:46 GMT -1
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
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Post by lin on Apr 23, 2008 5:49:12 GMT -1
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "When joo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
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Post by lin on Apr 23, 2008 5:49:33 GMT -1
Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?" He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
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Post by lin on Apr 24, 2008 5:59:18 GMT -1
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
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Post by lin on Apr 24, 2008 5:59:47 GMT -1
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
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Post by lin on Apr 24, 2008 6:00:11 GMT -1
A seventy year old man is over head over heels in love with a twenty year old girl. But it isn't mutual. Grandpa decides to do something about it: fitness, plastic surgery, everything is done to make him look more youthful. And with success, a couple of months later he walks out of the church a married man, holding the hand of his beautiful bride. Great is his anger when at that time a bus runs over him and kills him. Furious he walks up to the angel Gabrielle at the gate of heaven and says: "How can you do this to me now that I've finally got what I wanted!" Gabrielle laughs painfully and says: "Sorry man but I just didn't recognize you."
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Post by lin on Apr 25, 2008 5:43:45 GMT -1
Maternity leave would last two years...with full pay! There'd be a cure for stretch marks. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. {Eg: You want me to push this through WHAT?!!} Morning sickness would rank as the nation's No. 1 health problem. All methods of birth control would be improved to 100% effectiveness. Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet-trained and over the "Terrible Twos."
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