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Post by lin on Apr 6, 2008 5:40:05 GMT -1
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pints goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains. "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
Hasn't affected me brothers though.
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Post by lin on Apr 7, 2008 5:38:22 GMT -1
Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar? the suspicious wife sneered.
No I cant the husband replied. I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.
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Post by lin on Apr 7, 2008 5:38:37 GMT -1
An Eskimo was tapping on some ice looking for some fish when a voice said; “You won’t find any fish under there!” The Eskimo just ignored it and carried on tapping. Again, the voice echoed saying “You won’t find any fish under there!” The Eskimo shouted up “Who are you… God?” and the voice replied, “No, the ice-rink manager!”
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Post by lin on Apr 7, 2008 5:38:52 GMT -1
Q: Why did the football coach go to the bank?
A: To get his Quarter back.
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Post by lin on Apr 8, 2008 5:24:29 GMT -1
Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
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Post by lin on Apr 8, 2008 5:24:52 GMT -1
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "Let's try to make this look natural" she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"
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Post by lin on Apr 8, 2008 5:25:10 GMT -1
One day at the family reunion my grandparents were reminiscing. My grandfather remarked, "I wonder what ever happened to the old-fashioned girls who fainted when a man kissed them." Grandmother gave him a withering look, "What I'd like to know is what happened to the old-fashioned men who could make them faint!" MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY WHEN I READ THIS JOKE  |
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Post by lin on Apr 9, 2008 5:56:57 GMT -1
Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.
"You rotten b*****d!" yelled the husband..."I'm going to kill you!"
"Wait!, said Mrs. Jones".
You know that fur coat I got last winter?
Well, he gave it to me.
And that diamond ring we sold for $1000's?
Well, he gave it to me.
And remember when we couldn't aford a new car and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me.
After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaims...
"For heaven sake woman, it's drafty in here."
"Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!"
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Post by lin on Apr 9, 2008 5:57:21 GMT -1
The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the bellboy to take him to the 18th floor. "Sure thing, son," replied the bellboy. "How dare you call me son!" exclaimed the outraged man. "Well," replied the boy, "I brought you up, didn't I?"
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Post by lin on Apr 9, 2008 5:57:38 GMT -1
Wife to husband: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."
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Post by OLLY on Apr 10, 2008 1:47:15 GMT -1
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
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Post by lin on Apr 10, 2008 5:29:17 GMT -1
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready."All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
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Post by lin on Apr 10, 2008 5:29:35 GMT -1
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
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Post by lin on Apr 10, 2008 5:29:58 GMT -1
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.
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Post by lin on Apr 11, 2008 5:18:35 GMT -1
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died. The prosecutor became incensed.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to jail.'
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Post by lin on Apr 11, 2008 5:19:14 GMT -1
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, looked her up and down for a second, smiled and said, "Not bad."
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Post by lin on Apr 11, 2008 5:19:42 GMT -1
A couple on vacation in Virginia decided on the spur of the moment to get married. They went to the county courthouse, but they took a wrong turn and, without realizing it, ended up in the offices where hunting licenses are sold. "We're from out-of-state," said the prospective groom. "Can we get a license?" The clerk replied, "No, but I can give you a 3-day permit."
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Post by lin on Apr 12, 2008 6:02:14 GMT -1
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one. Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part."
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Post by lin on Apr 12, 2008 6:02:45 GMT -1
Andy wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.
The inspector asked him this question: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?
Andy said," I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down to the signal box", said Andy. "And use the manual lever there."
"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.
"Then..." Andy continued, "I'd run back into signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well.....in that case," perservered Andy, " I'd rush down out of the box and use the PUBLIC emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."
"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into the village and get my Uncle Brown."
This puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, " Why would you do that???"
"Because he's never seen a train wreck !!"
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Post by lin on Apr 12, 2008 6:03:04 GMT -1
When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be the Boss.
The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be Boss.
The Legs argued that since they took the Man wherever he wanted to go, he should be the Boss.
The Stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be the boss.
The Eyes said that without them, Man would be helpless, so they should be Boss.
Then the A*** Hole applied for the Job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the a*** hole became mad and closed up.
After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill, the Eyes got crossed and were unable to see.
They all finally conceded and made the A*** Hole Boss.
This proves you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss...Just an A*** Hole.
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Post by lin on Apr 12, 2008 6:55:08 GMT -1
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
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Post by lin on Apr 13, 2008 6:11:49 GMT -1
A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof.
When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket.
The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.
The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump.
"No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the redhead.
"I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with redheads....jump it's your only chance."
So the redhead jumped. On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she hit the pavement like a tomato!"
The firefighters again held up the blanket and the Chief told the blonde to jump. The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival was to jump.
"No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two friends."
"I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will not happen again, just jump!"
The blonde thought for a moment. "OK I'll jump - but first I want you to lay the blanket on the ground, back away, and then I'll jump into it."
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Post by lin on Apr 13, 2008 6:12:13 GMT -1
Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was
misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play
a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "that does it! I am
going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The
captain and chief asked, "how did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some
tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said, "I've had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He
came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked, "how did you get that?" The captain replied,
"I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out done
said "I am out of here, I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled
up and b****y. The rookie and captain asked, "what happened to you?" The chief replied, "I walked out there
five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a train."
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Post by lin on Apr 13, 2008 6:12:37 GMT -1
A firefighter died and went to hell where he finds a wall of clocks.
After seeing all these clocks on a wall, with his friends names under them, he asked the devil, what the clocks mean?
"That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on earth, their clock speeds up one hour." says the devil.
"I don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere?" the fireman says.
The devil replied, "Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're using it for a fan."
A firefighter died and went to hell where he finds a wall of clocks.
After seeing all these clocks on a wall, with his friends names under them, he asked the devil, what the clocks mean?
"That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on earth, their clock speeds up one hour." says the devil.
"I don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere?" the fireman says.
The devil replied, "Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're using it for a fan."
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Post by lin on Apr 14, 2008 5:48:03 GMT -1
A fireman and policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning
that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off. Well, everything went well for some time then
one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady. As the fireman turned to watch her
pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to pick them up the policemans wings fell off.
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Post by lin on Apr 14, 2008 5:48:32 GMT -1
Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
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Post by lin on Apr 14, 2008 5:49:00 GMT -1
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
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Post by lin on Apr 15, 2008 5:49:44 GMT -1
The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the honeymoon resort. After supper and champagne, the groom retired to the bedroom. But Julie pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars. "Dear," asked the somewhat impatient husband. "Aren't you coming to bed?" "No," Julie announced. "My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don't want to miss a single minute of it."
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Post by lin on Apr 15, 2008 5:50:14 GMT -1
I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
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Post by lin on Apr 15, 2008 5:50:42 GMT -1
Two old friends were recounting their dreams. "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream." "I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was on a date with two beautiful women and having the time of my life." His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you were with two women, and you didn't call me?" "Oh, I did," said the other, "but your wife said you'd gone fishing."
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