FUNNY BONES! Please add jokes.

[lin]

Octopus
A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50.00 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.
Next guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a fantastic jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts them up, turns them over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner interrupts his pet's concentration, saying, "What are you messing around for? Hurry up and play it!"
The octopus say's "Play it? Huh?!? I was trying to figure out how to take off it's pajamas..."

[lin]

Irish Burial At Sea

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy , 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.'

The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel.'

[lin]

Airplane
A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."
Whoa! He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement! Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. "Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
"Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Jewish men who romance women best, on average."
"Very interesting," the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name!"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein.

[lin]

Rabbit
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 metres away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 metres, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 metres.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

[lin]

The New Teacher
Here goes Little Johnny being smart in class again . . . A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am," he says,"but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

[lin]

Aunt Mary
Aunt Mary and two of her old friends were having a glass of lemonade at her house, and talking about their health problems.
"I think I must be getting old." said one of the women. "I sometimes find myself at the foot of the stairs, and I can't remember if I was going up to get something, or coming back down."
"I know what you mean," added the second friend. "Sometimes I'll be standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember if I wanted to take something out, or if I had just put something in."
Aunt Mary sat up. "I guess I'm better off than either of you. I haven't had any problems like that so far, knock on wood". Saying that, she rapped on the table three times. She looked at the other two women and stood up. "Excuse me," she said, "Someone's at the door."

[lin]

Art
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:


(brace yourself)


(this is going to hurt)


-- (really bad.) --


"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

[gortonboy]

who is astonishingly gorgeous........hugely wealthy.........very well endowed...........is an incredible lover.........and speaks french /.........................................................moi..

[lin]

Chinese Food
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"

[lin]

Cars
ACURA - Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead
AUDI - Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
BMW - Bavarian Money Waster
CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT - Fix It Again, Tony
FORD - Fixed Or Repaired Daily; (Backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
GMC - Got a Mechanic Coming?
HONDA - Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything; Had One, Never Did Again
HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
JEEP - Journey Eventually Ends Perpendicularly
KIA - Korea's Incompetence Amazing
MAZDA - Mismanages A Zillion Dollars Annually
MITSUBISHI - Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents
LAND ROVER - Loud, Agonizing, Noisy Drive - Rattles On Virtually Every Road
PLYMOUTH - Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood
PORSCHE - Pity Only Rich Suckers Can Have +Em
SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back; Swedish Autos Always Breakdown
SATURN - Stickers Are Truly Unnegotiable, Rebates Nonexistent
TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Automobile
VW - Virtually Worthless
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

[lin]

Pysudonom
A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "Okay kid, show me what you do."
The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent. "Great kid! Just great!," says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "thingy Van Lesbian."
"'Scuse me?," questions the agent.
"My name is thingy Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like thingy Van Lesbian."
Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent. A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, thingy Van Lesbian. So I've changed it".
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
"D i c k Van D Y K E."

[lin]

Battery
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked."
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

[lin]

Barbie
A guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown New York and says to the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?"
She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have: Fashion Barbie @ $15.95 Vacation Barbie @ $15.95 Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!"
The guy asks in astonishment, "Why is divorcee Barbies o much? She looks the same to me."
The assistant answers, "Well, sir, divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's money!, Ken's etc. etc.

[lin]

ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND (actual trial)
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read
'Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins', then she moved under one that read
'Sloans Liniments remove Swelling'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read
'William Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read
'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident'."
He won the case.

[gortonboy]

a dyslexic bloke walks into a bra..............................................

[lin]

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

[lin]

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

[lin]

Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

[lin]

Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

[lin]

1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?

2nd Eskimo: Alaska

1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!

[lin]

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"

[lin]

Mark called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotman) to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving house."

[lin]

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"

[lin]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

[lin]

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily function's. One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I c r a p like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine!" he replied.

[lin]

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

[lin]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a shopping centre on holiday. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"

The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned and grabbed his son, "Go get your mother."

[joetaylor]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE



1940's, 50's, 60's 70's

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin and ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.




We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.




As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always exciting and great fun.

We drank water from the garden hose or tap and NOT from a bottle.




We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and NO ONE actually died from this.




We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank cordial with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......




WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!




We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.




No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of craps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a
few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, Novideo games at all, No 99 channels, No Pay TV, No cable, No DVD movies or surround sound.


It's crazy! We even had No mobile phones, No text messaging, No personal computers, No Internet or Internet chat rooms..........




WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.




We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the
worms did not live in us forever.




Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we didn't poke out anyone's eye.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!




The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law!




This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!


The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation
and new ideas.


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!






You might want to share this with others who have
had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.


And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.




Kind of makes you want to run through the house with your eyes shut holding a pair of scissors, doesn't it?!

PS -The BIG type is because at your age, your eyes are bu****ed....

[lin]

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
"It's a very old bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

[lin]

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I'm not drunk you shilly sit! ?