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Post by lin on Mar 21, 2008 6:38:59 GMT -1
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL
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Post by lin on Mar 21, 2008 6:39:23 GMT -1
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
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Post by lin on Mar 21, 2008 6:39:45 GMT -1
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor says the man. I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me."
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Post by lin on Mar 22, 2008 7:29:02 GMT -1
The Recruits
Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.
"Hey johnson!" yelled the drill instructor, " those are the ugliest shoes i've ever seen! "
"Yes, sir" the young man answered.
"Those shoes are really really ugly, right?" hollered the D.I again
"Yes, sir!"
"And that hair- dont they have barbershops where you came from?"
"Yes, sir", answered the recruit.
"So why didnt you get a haircut?"
"I was saving up for shoes, sir!"
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Post by lin on Mar 22, 2008 7:29:50 GMT -1
Bubba and Junior!
Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!
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Post by lin on Mar 22, 2008 7:31:11 GMT -1
Soldier's Ambition
An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," said the Major.
He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," barked the Major.
He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"
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Post by OLLY on Mar 22, 2008 12:06:40 GMT -1
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She
finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the
room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee,
'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started
dating. You were only 16. Do you r emember back then?' he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring,
so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses.
The words were not com ing easily. 'Do you remember when your father
caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have gotten out of jail today.'
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Post by OLLY on Mar 22, 2008 12:14:08 GMT -1
the ostrich..
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress
returns with the order.
"That will be �9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact
amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come
again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again
later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I
will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be
�32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on
the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money
from your pocket every
time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie
appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in
my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish
for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich
as
you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money
is always
there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with
a big ar*e and
long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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Post by lin on Mar 23, 2008 6:21:26 GMT -1
An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"
"Yes," said the Navy brat.
"My dad has built them."
Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"
"Yes."
"It's my dad who's killed it!"
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Post by lin on Mar 23, 2008 6:21:46 GMT -1
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.
For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.
He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."
After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.
"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.
The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.
"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
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Post by lin on Mar 23, 2008 6:22:05 GMT -1
An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.
The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak".
The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to p**s on our hands ...! "
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Post by lin on Mar 24, 2008 6:55:37 GMT -1
Army vs. Marines!
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.
"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
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Post by lin on Mar 24, 2008 6:55:57 GMT -1
"I suppose," snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, "that when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die, just so you can spit on my grave."
"Not me," observed the private. "When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again."
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Post by lin on Mar 24, 2008 6:56:20 GMT -1
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!"
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Post by OLLY on Mar 25, 2008 6:37:11 GMT -1
An old couple was sitting in the waiting room of the doctor’s office when the nurse came out and said, “Mr. Jones, the doctor told me that he needs you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample before he examines you.”
The old man looked up at the nurse, cupped his right ear and said, “What did you say?”
The nurse came a little closer and said very loudly, “We’re going to need you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample, Mr. Jones.”
The old man leaned forward and said, “What did you say, young lady?”, then turning to his wife next to him he shouted, “what’d she say?”
His wife leaned over and shouted in his ear, “She said she wants your shorts!”
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Post by OLLY on Mar 25, 2008 6:39:12 GMT -1
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Harvey replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say”?
“She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel !!!’
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Post by lin on Mar 25, 2008 7:04:00 GMT -1
Lawyer bashing.
Did you hear that the Post Office has just recalled its latest stamp issue? They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't decide which side to spit on.
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Post by lin on Mar 25, 2008 7:04:20 GMT -1
Shiver me timbers.
A pirate decided to retire after many years at sea and figured that since he'd been paying into an insurance scheme for years ought to be able to claim for his industrial injuries. He had a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a patch over one eye. As the ship put into dock the pirate went to the insurance agents office to stake his claim, and was assured that any work related injuries would be eligible for a compensation payment. The agent asked, "How did you get the wooden leg?" "Well, I was swabbing the decks when this big wave washed me into the sea and a shark bit off me leg." "Excellent," said the agent, "I can put that on your claim form, what happened to your hand?" "Well, I was up in the crow's nest, when a big wind blew me into the sea and a shark bit off me hand." "Excellent," said the agent, "I can certainly get you money for that. How did you loose the eye?" "Well, we'd raided this ship and stowed the loot below decks, so we sailed to the nearest island to celebrate. I was lying on the beach when a seagull flew over and dropped his business right in me eye." The agent said, "Surely that wasn't the cause of you loosing your eye was it?" "No," said the pirate, "it was the first day with me hook."
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Post by lin on Mar 25, 2008 7:04:52 GMT -1
The ledger of life.
A nerd of a lawyer is waiting at the gates of heaven and St.Peter is looking through the ledger of life. He is shaking his head as he turns the pages and the lawyer begins to tremble. St.Peter booms, "You call this good? You've defended known criminals and got them off some terrible crimes, you've overbilled people by two lifetimes and embezzled money from your clients for years. Give me one good reason why I should let you in and not make that cloud your standing on, rain". "Well," says the trembling lawyer, "Once I was leaving work and I saw this pretty woman being attacked by a gang of bikers. I'm not a brave man, but I shouted at them to leave her alone and pick on someone their own size. With that I drove into their bikes all lined up by the pavement. This distracted them long enough for the poor woman to get away." St.Peter checks the ledger of life and says, "Something's wrong, I don't see this incident recorded. When did this happen?" The lawyer says, "About five minutes ago".
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Post by lin on Mar 26, 2008 6:20:39 GMT -1
The Big Bang.
A surgeon, an accountant and a lawyer were having a philosophical discussion about who was practicing the oldest profession. The surgeon said, "Clearly medicine is the oldest profession because God created Eve from one of Adam's ribs, which makes God a surgeon." "Oh no you don't," protested the accountant, "God made our orderly universe from the Big Bang chaos, an accounting trait if I may be so bold, making accounting the oldest profession." "Both of you may be correct," said the lawyer, "But who do you think created the chaos in the first place?"
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Post by lin on Mar 26, 2008 6:21:03 GMT -1
Ooops!
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She flatly refuses, saying, "You silly little man, I don't need you to give up your seat for me, do I look defenseless to you? I can find my own seat", and she pushes the man back into his seat, glowering at him before looking away. A few minutes later the man gets up and again the woman repeats her insulting remark. The man says, "Look lady, let me pass, I'm two miles past my stop already."
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Post by lin on Mar 26, 2008 6:21:32 GMT -1
Just kidding.
A politician, a vicar and a lawyer were driving along the motorway when, all of a sudden, another car swerved into them, flipping the car over, and all three friends died instantly. On their way to heaven, the politician said, "Hey, what would you like people to say at your funeral? I think I'd like them to say, 'He was a good man, who served his constituents well.'" The vicar said, "I want people to remember me as a great biblical scholar and educator of my congregation." The lawyer said, "I'd like for someone to say, 'Look! This guy's breathing!'".
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Post by lin on Mar 27, 2008 5:44:18 GMT -1
Soda Machine
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly replied, "Well Duhhh! I'm still winning"
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Post by lin on Mar 27, 2008 5:44:53 GMT -1
Bus
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.
As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."
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Post by lin on Mar 27, 2008 5:45:30 GMT -1
What Would You Like To Hear?
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"
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Post by OLLY on Mar 27, 2008 7:52:59 GMT -1
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their a*ses.
The results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their a*se is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their a*se is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him either way.
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Post by joetaylor on Mar 27, 2008 9:10:56 GMT -1
subject: Speeding ticket
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 po lice cars circle the car. A
senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that y ou have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer.
The officer examines t he license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
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Post by gortonboy on Mar 27, 2008 14:06:55 GMT -1
whats the difference between a pickpocket and a pervert ??............................................................................one snatches watches.................
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Post by lin on Mar 28, 2008 6:44:05 GMT -1
Car Maintainence
Judi was bored with driving her BMW. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week, she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio -- what could possibly go wrong?
At that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded, after a few minutes, that she didn't have a clue what was wrong. Luckily, she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait later, she saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?
Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
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Post by lin on Mar 28, 2008 6:44:47 GMT -1
THE AGE OF CONSENT
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
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Nov 26, 2021 20:43:09 GMT -1
Nov 26, 2021 20:43:09 GMT -1