|
|
Post by Lisa on May 7, 2007 15:54:43 GMT -1
Hate to sound pedantic but Sour Milk isnt used to make yogurt, fresh milk is used and a culture is then introduced to turn it into yogurt. I bet it was a man that wrote that..........  PONDERINGS. Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"? What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food? Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores? What do they use to ship styrofoam? Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow? Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped? Why is abreviation such a long word? If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad? |
|
|
|
Post by Lisa on May 7, 2007 15:57:58 GMT -1
Hi TaffyDee48, Welcome to the Chatline on MM. Could you start by putting your location on via your profile so that we can all see where you are in the World when we chat to you. Any problems, just ask, the members on here are all very helpful and always glad to help. |
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 7, 2007 16:00:00 GMT -1
Hate to sound pedantic but Sour Milk isnt used to make yogurt, fresh milk is used and a culture is then introduced to turn it into yogurt. I bet it was a man that wrote that.......... PONDERINGS. Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"? What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food? Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores? What do they use to ship styrofoam? Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow? Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped? Why is abreviation such a long word? If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad? HI LISA...IT'S AMERICAN, AND I KNOW THEY USE SOUR MILK AS DO GERMAN PEOPLE I KNOW....TAKES ALL SORTS DOESN'T IT?   |
|
|
|
Post by clancy on May 8, 2007 1:14:13 GMT -1
i just heard the Chelsea manager said if man u don't let him win the next game he is taking his ball home and we cant play i guess he is sulking because he couldn't win  the big girls blouse tommy |
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 8, 2007 6:32:59 GMT -1
TOMMY I LOVE IT...ROFLOL! HIS FACE ALWAYS MATCHES THAT SORT OF COMMENT...LOL! |
|
|
|
Post by Lisa on May 8, 2007 7:40:13 GMT -1
Hi Tommy, As I said before, some of the Managers are like big babies especially Mourinho and Arsen Wenger. i just heard the Chelsea manager said if man u don't let him win the next game he is taking his ball home and we cant play i guess he is sulking because he couldn't win the big girls blouse tommy |
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 8, 2007 15:19:05 GMT -1
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
Finding perfect men
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 8, 2007 15:19:36 GMT -1
Marriage studies findings.
A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 8, 2007 15:23:03 GMT -1
Defining teenagers
A Teenager is...
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 9, 2007 11:13:58 GMT -1
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 9, 2007 11:15:29 GMT -1
I am not forgetful
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 9, 2007 11:16:34 GMT -1
You will forget it.
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 9, 2007 20:18:47 GMT -1
LAST ONE FOR A FEW DAYS.
Getting old when
You know you're getting older when...
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 11, 2007 14:27:04 GMT -1
SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL "HIT PARADE"
* I'll be Sewing You.
* Red Cells in the Sunset.
* It's Spleen a Long, Long Time.
* It Had to Be Flu.
* On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma.
* Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney.
* The Staphs and Streps Forever.
* Old Man's Liver.
* I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace.
* The Girl From Emphysema.
* MRI Blue?
* My Melancolicky Baby
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 12, 2007 13:06:36 GMT -1
Dictionary for women.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 12, 2007 13:23:59 GMT -1
An old occupation.
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 13, 2007 7:19:12 GMT -1
Supermarket Surround Sound.
The new Supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 13, 2007 7:21:42 GMT -1
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE KIDS.
GRANDMA'S DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, It is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 15, 2007 19:11:05 GMT -1
Driver illegally parks.
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 15, 2007 19:11:46 GMT -1
Heard on a public bus.
Heard on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando.
"When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step."
"If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 15, 2007 19:12:44 GMT -1
Your wife just fell out.
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 16, 2007 5:46:02 GMT -1
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime
Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call
her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call
you the People.
The maid, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad
has said.
Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so
he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his
mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the maid's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and
sees his father in bed with the maid.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father,
Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. "
what do you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The Prime Minister is screwing
the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s***."!
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 16, 2007 15:01:07 GMT -1
Just cut your hair first
A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."
Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 16, 2007 15:01:53 GMT -1
Car company names.
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FORD
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 17, 2007 9:22:36 GMT -1
Should have glasses.
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 17, 2007 9:23:15 GMT -1
Pigeon flying in sky.
But baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."
The baby started to cry.
"What's wrong?" said the mother.
"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 17, 2007 9:24:40 GMT -1
Will I live any longer?
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 18, 2007 7:30:53 GMT -1
Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A! : Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. |
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 18, 2007 12:16:24 GMT -1
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3 The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says:
"How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. You're not as nice as you used to be and you used to be a b.i.t.c.h
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on May 18, 2007 12:16:55 GMT -1
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
|
|
the big girls blouse tommy 