FUNNY BONES! Please add jokes.

[lin]

Sorry for eating the peanuts.

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

[lin]

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

[lin]

Uncovering a scam.

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

[lin]

How old are you?

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

[lin]

Two caged canaries
Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said,

"Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!"

The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!"

So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked,

"I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."

To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated,

"Well, could we at least talk?"

This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it is untweetable."

[lin]

Woman having twins
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[lin]

A very happy psychic
I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

[lin]

A McDonald's Love Story.

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking:

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and
neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating.
You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH"

[lin]

We need to help these people
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

[lin]

We are the best of friends
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

[lin]

The prison hospital
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

[lin]

Feel like a woman.

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad-to-worse....when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular... loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane..... "I'm too young to die," she wails!!
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare.... riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a cowboy from South Dakota stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built.....with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle.... unbuttoning his shirt.
One button at a time........
No one moves.................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps...................................
He whispers......................................
"Iron this... Then get me a beer."

[lin]

Give chocolate pudding.

First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"

Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"

First soldier: "Whyever not?"

Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"

[lin]

Try to explain women.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

[joetaylor]

Hi Sis
Come On Now, Don't You Talk About Being On The PC, i Havn't Put On 56 Postings in One Day On MM, Tut Tut Tut a Womans Work Is Never Done ;D
Bruv x

[lin]

JOSEPHINE, IT MAY BE THAT THERE ARE EVEN MORE POSTINGS BEEN PUT ON IN ONE DAY, NOT ALL AT ONCE, MOST IN THE EVENINGS...BUT OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE THE TIME TO SIT ON YOUR BACKSIDE COUNTING THEM, HOW PATHETIC IS THAT IS THAT?

[lin]

Witness
The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Johnny Shea was called for his question session.
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honour."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honour."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honour."

[lin]

Don't you just love kids?

The Little Fireman
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?"

The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister", says the little boy.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

[lin]

Friday Night Out

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of
going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and
spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday
night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two
hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like
it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would
be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and
went with the same results. But , the swelling went down just
enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[lin]

Young Dai came home one day and announced to his Dad that he was going to marry Megan Jones. His Dad looked embarrassed. "Sorry son, you can't marry her. You see, a few years back, young Megan's mother and I were, well, very friendly, and, not to put too fine a point on it, Megan is your sister." Dai was extremely upset by this news. Later that day, his Mam saw him looking unhappy and asked him what the problem was. "I want to marry Megan Jones," he blurted out, "But Dad says he's her father." His Mam replied, "So what if he is her father? He's not yours."

[bodzy]

Hazardous Materials Data Sheet

Element Womam
Discoverer Adam
Atomic Mass Accepted as 55kg but known to vary from 45kg to 225 kg

Physical Properties
1 body surface normally covered with film of powder or paint
2 boils at absolutely nothing- freezes for no appant reason
3 found in various grades ranging from virgin to common ore
Chemical Properties
1 reacts well to gold , platinnum and all other precious stones
2 explodes spontaneously without reason or warning
3 the most powerful money reducing agent known to man
Common Use
1 highly ornamental especially in sports cars
2 can greatly aid relaxation
3 can be a very effective cleaning agent
Hazards
1 turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen
2 possession of more than one is possible ....but specimens must never make eye contact


Remind you of anybody you know??

[Belinda]

A BLONDE AND A BRUNETTE WERE TALKING ONE DAY.THE BRUNETTE SAID THAT HER BOYFRIEND HAD A SLIGHT DANDRUFF PROBLEM BUT SHE GAVE HIM" HEAD AND SHOULDERS"AND IT CLEARED IT UP.THE BLONDE ASKED INQUISITIVELY,"HOW DO YOU GIVE SHOULDERS" X BELINDA

[lin]

HIYA BODZY & BELINDA, NICE TO SEE SOME OTHER JOKES ON HERE

[lin]

The French Chef
by Sue Flay

Tight Situation
by Leah Tard

Unemployed
by Anita Job

Off to Market
by Tobias A. Pigg

I Lived in Detroit
by Helen Earth

Inflammation, Please
by Arthur Itis

Handel's Messiah
by Ollie Luyah

Downpour!
by Wayne Dwops

Cloning
by Ima Dubble

Irish Flooring
by Lynn O'Leum

Holmes Does it Again
by Scott Linyard

Home Alone IV
by Eddie Buddyhome

Neither a Borrower
by Nora Lender Bee

The Scent of a Man
by Jim Nasium

Is O. J. Guilty?
by Howard I. Know

Animal Illnesses
by Ann Thrax

French Overpopulation
by Francis Crowded

Fallen Underwear
by Lucy Lastic

House Construction
by Bill Jerome Home

Yellow River
by Iam Ping

Lewis Carroll
by Alison Wonderland

Leo Tolstoy
by Warren Peace

The L. A. Lakers Breakfast
by Kareem O' Wheat

Why Cars Stop
by M. T. Tank

Wind in the Willows
by Russell Ingleaves

Look Younger
by Fay Slift

Mountain Climbing
by Andover Hand

It's Springtime!
by Theresa Green

No!
by Kurt Reply

And Shut Up!
by Sid Downe

40 Yards to the Latrine
by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont

Glass Bikini
by Seymore Skynn

Yellow River
by I. P. Freely

Sex on the Beach
by Sandy Shortz

[lin]

An American man is riding a train in a European country. His seatmate knows some English, and they end up chatting. The seatmate asks if the American has children. The American says no.

"Ah, so sad," says the European. "Your wife, she is impregnable?" "Well, um, that's not exactly the word," says the American. "Oh!" interrupts the European. "I mean, she is inconceivable?" "Um, not quite --" the American begins, only to be interrupted again. "Oh, no, that isn't right," says the European. "She is, what is it, she is unbearable?" "Well, actually, that's pretty much sums it up," says the American.

[lin]

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

[lin]

A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth.

"Aha, caries! I’ll have to drill this one out!" says the dentist.

"Oh no, I’d rather have a child!!!" cries the lady.

"In that case, let me adjust the chair first," replies the dentist.

[moonshine]

I was walking down the street when I saw this low hedge and felt I just had to look over it. On the other side was a rooster. He looked at me and crowed, so I crowed back. He crowed at me again and I crowed back. This went on for some time whereupon a policeman arrived on the scene and arrested both of us for using fowl language!

[Belinda]

lin said:

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

Hi Lin,I love that one x Belinda

[lin]

Hi Belinda...glad you liked it...