FUNNY BONES! Please add jokes.

[lin]

HI FRANCES...GLAD YOU'RE ENJOYING THE JOKES, YOU SOUND LIKE ME, I CAN NEVER REMEMBER THEM

[lin]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

[lin]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[lin]

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!

[lin]

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? "Come on ova' here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work.
I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten.
So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.


"Try doing it with the engine running."

[Belinda]

Hi Lin,How do you think of all these jokes.I try telling them to my lads but by the time i get to the punch line,ive fogotten it Ive never been any good at jokes x Belinda

[lin]

HI BELINDA...I CAN'T REMEMBER JOKES EITHER, IT'S JUST THAT THEY KEEP GETTING SENT TO ME BY FRIENDS. IN FACT I DELETE LOADS OF THEM, I USED TO SAVE THEM ALL ON DISC BUT CAN'T BE BOTHERED WITH THAT ANYMORE..

[lin]

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place? _________________________________
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775.00 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
_________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
_________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
_________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
_________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
_________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_________________________________
Q: You said the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
_________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to our attorney?
A: No, this is how I usually dress for work.
_________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[lin]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head

The farmer said,
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says-- "Well, circle flies are common on farms... See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer.
I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, " Hard to fool them flies though. "

[lin]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a conincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "doesn't matter---let's look for yours."

[lin]

preacher was completing a temperance sermon with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

[lin]

A CERTAIN WORD HAS BEEN CHANGED HERE, AS ITS USED QUITE A LOT IN THIS...I HOPE IT DOES NOT OFFEND ANYONE.

Memo to all staff

In order to assure the highest level of quality work
and productivity from employees, it will be our policy
to keep all employees well trained through our
programme of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (C.R.A.P)

We are trying to give our employees more C.R.A.P than
anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your
share of C.R.A.P on the course, please see your
supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top
of the C.R.A.P list, and our supervisors are
especially skilled at seeing you get all the C.R.A.P
you can handle.

Employees who don't take their C.R.A.P will be placed
in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS
(D.E.E.P.C.R.A.P). Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P.C.R.A.P seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE
ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.C.R.A.P).

Since our supervisors took C.R.A.P before they were
promoted, they don't have to take C.R.A.P anymore, and
are all full of C.R.A.P already. If you are full of
C.R.A.P, you may be interested in a job teaching
others. We can add your name to our BASIC
UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.C.R.A.P).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in
management and consulting, we will refer you to the
department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH
EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.C.R.A.P). This course emphasises
how to manage M.O.R.E.C.R.A.P. If you have further
questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.C.R.A.P).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.C.R.A.P)

P.S. Now send this C.R.A.P to 5 people who need
C.R.A.P in their life. Don't send it back to me as
I've already had my fill of C.R.A.P.

Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,

Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity
Training.
(D.U.M.B.C.R.A.P).

[lin]

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur),
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next daythe same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur),
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house,
has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him,
then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur),
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "you!!??
No Way! You get too violent when you drink.

[lin]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[lin]

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

[bodzy3]

Right Lets have some Scouse Jokes for a change:
What do you call a scouse in a three bedroomed house ?
A burgular
What do you say to a scouse in uniform ?
Big Mac and chips please
Why do you not run over a scouse on a bike ?
It might be your bike
What do you call a female scouse in a white shell suit ?
The bride
What do you call a scouse in a suit ?
The accursed
A man walks into a shop in liverpool and asked the assistant could he buy a pair of tights for his wife
Certainly Sir said the assistaint What size head are you

[clancy]

this man goes into a butchers and asked do you have any bones for a dog and his young son says O goody are we getting a dog dad tommy

[bodzy3]

Liverpool,s latest signing ,an Iraq International has just scored on his debut for the club and imeadiatly after the match phones his mum
Hello Son how was your day
Great ,Mum I scored in front of the Kop and we only lost 3-1
Thats good son, but its not so good here at home
Why Mum he said
Well Son this mornin the car was set alight by a masked mob ,They broke into the house with base-ball bats and battered your brother then they shot your father in the knee-caps and he cant walk anymore Then they raped your sister before movin on to the dog
Oh Mum thats bad
I Know son , Why couldn't you have left us in Iraq instead of bringin us to Liverpool with you

[lin]

This tells me that I must be drunk

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

[lin]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

[lin]

The answer to one of life's great mysteries!
I haven't heard anyone explain this as well as the all-wise Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm...

"Well ya see Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the lowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer elimates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[lin]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had s*e*x?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no s*e*x since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love military time?!)

[lin]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?" asks the sailor. "I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate.
"A shark bit off me whole leg."
Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut me "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "And the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
Said the pirate.
"It was the first day with the hook."

[lin]

Posh & Becks

Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says:

"David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!" to which Beckham replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't." So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.

Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.

Beckham takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh.

But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."
"No, babe,fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."

[bodzy3]

This is not a joke but a quote from the late and great George Best :

He said I gave up drinking and sex once! It was the worst 20 mins of my life

[clancy]

bodzy ;D i know thats true about George Best i have seen him in action and i don't mean on the pitch tommy

[lin]

HI BODZY & TOMMY...YES THAT IS A GEORGE BEST QUOTE...NOW TOMMY DON'T KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, SPILL THE BEANS

[lin]

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

[taffydee48]

doctors have discovered the gene that causes shyness.They would have found it earlier but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.

[lin]

PONDERINGS.

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food?

Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?

Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?

Why is abreviation such a long word?

If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?