FUNNY BONES! Please add jokes.

[Lisa]

Hi Bodzy, You'd get a shock if we ALL turned up wouldnt you? I bet Chris would be there - she'd travel all the way from Kent just for the FREE drink (sorry Chris :.

bodzy3 said:

Hi Lisa Yeah I wouldn't mind you all comin in the Grove for drink , and I;d be happy to buy them for you, love to see you

[Lisa]

Hi Tommy, I knew you'd have to respond to Bodzy's joke about the Wailing Wall. Have you just come out of the cupboard from your last post about City? Back you go in the cupboard again Tommy. Dont tell Babs, but I will be glued to the tv tonight for the match. I hope they slaughter them........

clancy said:

Bodzy another good one ;D and the one at the wailing wall is the best sorry Babs hope your doing OK Tommy

[lin]

HI BODZY...LOVED THE JOKE ABOUT THE WAILING WALL...BUT I DON'T THINK BABS AND THE REST OT THE CITY FANS ARE GOING TO LIKE IT

[Belinda]

Hi Bodzy,Hope you havent forgot me in your invite for a drink in the grove ;D x Belinda

[bodzy3]

Aparently Manchester City Football club are under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion

They've been claimin for silver polish for the past 30 years

[bodzy3]

And just one more before I go to bed ::
How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a light bulb?
None :: There quite happy livin in the shadows

[lin]

HI BODZY...ANOTHER GOOD ONE..I WONDER WHAT OUR BABS IS THINKING THOUGH...OUCH

[lin]

NOT A JOKE...BUT A FRIEND SENT THIS TO ME AND I THINK IT SHOWS EXACTLY WHAT THE TITLE SAYS

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have s.e.x with animals, but the animals must be female. Having s.e.x.u.a.l relations with a male animal is punishable by death.


(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The s.e.x organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside

And deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having s.e.x for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have s.e.x with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have s.e.x with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have s.e.x for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning!)

[lin]

A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
“Got stuck?” The lorry driver says, “No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol.”

***************************************
A boy walks up to his mum and says mum is it wrong to have a willy the mum says no why and he replies because dads sweating like hell trying to pull his off..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff”

[lin]

There was three boys, one called Willie, one called Zip, and one called Pea, and they where all in the same class. One day the three boys were mucking about in class and the teacher got really angry and said, zip down, willie out and pea in the corner!!!!!

*******************************************************
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

*******************************************************
A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest
makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at
c*cktail parties.

[lin]

OK YOU GUYS..I'VE ALREADY DONE THE JOKES ON WOMEN EARLIER, SO I HOPE YOU'VE ALL GOT A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR?

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

[lin]

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
---------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[moonshine]

A man likes his woman to be warm and tender. Tip: bash her against the radiator a number of times and she will become both warm and tender!

[lin]

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,
where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said,
as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time
is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded,
$5,000 for a male brain,
and $1,000 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward.
Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women,
but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity,
blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and so to the entire group said,
"It's just standard pricing procedure.

We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've been used!"

[moonshine]

A man likes his women to be like a cups of perfectly brewed tea: Hot, Sweet and Strong!

[lin]

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

[lin]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind..but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY
WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

[bodzy3]

Police caught two fellas on the roof of Manchester United 's ground ,after coaxing them down the police asked what they were doing up there, "we were goin to commit suicide" they said "Why" asked the police " Cos were City fans and City are gettin relegated " The puzzeled police officer But why dont you jump off the roof at Eastlands To which the two replied "Have you seen the b****y Queue"

[bodzy3]

Last night thieves broke into Eastlands Stadium and stole the entire contents of Citys trophy room .
Police are lookin for 2 men carryin a light blue carpet

[lin]

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'Best Deals'.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'Lowest Prices'.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read... 'Main entrance'.

[lin]

Sam: Miss, Miss!

Teacher: Yes, Sam?

Sam: Can I go to the Loo please?

Teacher: Only if you say the alphabet.

Sam: Ok... a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.

Teacher: Where's the p?

Sam: Dripping down my leg!!!

[lin]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

[Lisa]

Hear the one about a man with FIVE p e n i s e s? His underpants fitted him like a glove

[lin]

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.


As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.



I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.



As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.



I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.



As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[lin]

mavisredford said:

Hear the one about a man with FIVE p e n i s e s? His underpants fitted him like a glove

OH VERY GOOD LISA ;D

[Lisa]

Hi Lin, This one came in this morning from an old friend from Clayton who now lives in Australia. Its his birthday today - HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHIL - and is an MM member. I told him about the site and it made him even more home-sick !!! He said once he got on the site, he couldnt get off. :Pquote author=lin board=general thread=1158680400 post=1177915397]

mavisredford said:

Hear the one about a man with FIVE p e n i s e s? His underpants fitted him like a glove

OH VERY GOOD LISA ;D[/quote]

[lin]

mavisredford said:

Hi Lin, This one came in this morning from an old friend from Clayton who now lives in Australia. Its his birthday today - HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHIL - and is an MM member. I told him about the site and it made him even more home-sick !!! He said once he got on the site, he couldnt get off. :Pquote author=lin board=general thread=1158680400 post=1177915397]

mavisredford said:

Hear the one about a man with FIVE p e n i s e s? His underpants fitted him like a glove

OH VERY GOOD LISA ;D

[/quote]

HI LISA...WELL I JUST SENT IT ON TO SOME FRIENDS, I KNOW THEM AND THEY WILL LOVE IT ;D

[lin]

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

[lin]

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

[frances]

loved the joke about the cow and the golfball. I have been online reading these jokes for ages and have to see them through to the end. I never remember jokes told to me
Frances