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Post by lin on Apr 13, 2007 6:04:10 GMT -1
The Irish Virgin!!
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it reads as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED "
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Post by lin on Apr 13, 2007 6:04:59 GMT -1
Women are so insensitive...
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear. "And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...You don't."
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Post by lin on Apr 16, 2007 5:46:26 GMT -1
America' s Smartest Woman
An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes -
The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former U.S.
President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, Ted Kennedy said, "I am a US Senator, the democratic party needs me and my liver still has some good years left". So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
The 4th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old school girl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
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Post by lin on Apr 16, 2007 11:25:37 GMT -1
President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, Up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you, eh!" "Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
George paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have ONE MILLION men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" George asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer,3 fishing boats, 2 harspoon boats, a trawler with radar and Harry's farm tractor."
President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie , that I have 6,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the c*ckpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jaysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day.
"President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
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Post by lin on Apr 16, 2007 11:29:56 GMT -1
"A Gasoline Substitute"
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of gas."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car
and into his gas tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?
The bee answered,.... "BP."
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Post by lin on Apr 17, 2007 5:21:01 GMT -1
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the
gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who
had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell
a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.
"How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took
care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a
huge mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world.
We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I
fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry.. There will be Hell to pay later!
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Post by tony38337 on Apr 17, 2007 7:33:48 GMT -1
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady near a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon". I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!!!!"  ? Tony T. |
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Post by lin on Apr 18, 2007 12:52:15 GMT -1
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.
She did this five more times, and her neighbour that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
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handy
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by handy on Apr 18, 2007 14:19:44 GMT -1
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over. They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house around the block. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they'll be right back and they run around the corner to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police still have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing. True story; told by the driver at his first A A meeting. Not certain if this has been on before ? but its worth a read all the same Pat x  |
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Post by lin on Apr 18, 2007 14:49:59 GMT -1
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the night went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes. My feet are absolutely killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!" "Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, b.l.o.o.d.y hell, darling! This one's even tighter!" To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
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Post by Belinda on Apr 18, 2007 19:13:42 GMT -1
Hi Lin,just read your computer joke,it really tickled me  (I think someones been watching me) ;D x Belinda |
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Post by bodzy3 on Apr 19, 2007 3:17:38 GMT -1
STOP PRESS
The latest news on the sponsership of Man City
Talks have broken down and the sponsers have pulled out
They were a International dog food company and they couldn't put WINALOT on city shirts
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Post by bodzy3 on Apr 19, 2007 3:34:54 GMT -1
Walkin down the street I came across a little boy ,sat on the kerb cryin , I asked him why was he cryin , He replied " I cant do what the big boys do" So I sat down and cried with him
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Post by clancy on Apr 19, 2007 4:07:04 GMT -1
hi Bodzy ;D those jokes are so funny keep up the good work you do make us laugh ;D my dad always said that always nice to be nice so your comment just brought back a few memories  ;D take care young fellow  tommy |
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Post by lin on Apr 19, 2007 6:11:16 GMT -1
HI BODZY...LOVE THE CITY JOKE BUT I'M NOT SURE CITY FANS WILL...  THINK BABS WILL BE AFTER YOU LIN  |
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Post by lin on Apr 19, 2007 6:13:07 GMT -1
Hi Lin,just read your computer joke,it really tickled me (I think someones been watching me) ;D x Belinda HI BELINDA...GALD YOU LIKED THE JOKE, BUT BELIEVE ME IT DOESN'T JUST APPLY TO BLONDES LIN |
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Post by Lisa on Apr 19, 2007 14:34:33 GMT -1
Hi Bodzy, I think you should go in hiding along with Tommy after that comment. Remember that Clayton is a lot nearer than Canada........ STOP PRESS The latest news on the sponsership of Man City Talks have broken down and the sponsers have pulled out They were a International dog food company and they couldn't put WINALOT on city shirts |
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Post by christine on Apr 19, 2007 18:57:39 GMT -1
I BELIEVE THE PAKISTAN CRICKET TEAM HAVE ALL LEFT CRICKET,,,THEY AV A NEW SPORT ,,,,,,,,,,,BOB SLAYING......OR SOZ NOT FUNNYXXXXXXXXCHRIS
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Post by christine on Apr 20, 2007 5:23:36 GMT -1
i no im sorry xxchris
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Post by Lisa on Apr 20, 2007 6:31:01 GMT -1
Hi Tommy, That's OUR Chris, Naughty but Nice....... Christine ;D that is funny but a little naughty tommy ox |
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Post by christine on Apr 20, 2007 15:48:40 GMT -1
I HOPE I DID NOT AFFEND ANYONE,,,,,,, BUT COULD NOT HELP IT XXXCHRIS
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Post by bodzy3 on Apr 20, 2007 17:41:42 GMT -1
Did you here about the Conservative MP who was found dead in a Man City football strip, The police had to dress him up in womens underware in order to save his family from the embarassment
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Post by clancy on Apr 21, 2007 0:41:11 GMT -1
good god bodzy ;D you sure come up with some brilliant jokes ;D really funny poor man city are taking some flack tommy |
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Post by bodzy3 on Apr 23, 2007 16:30:38 GMT -1
A friend of mine recently returned from Isreal," How cid you enjoy your holiday" I said "Great" he replied " Did you visit the wailing wall" i asked Yes but I couldn't get near enough, it was full of Man City supporters
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Post by Lisa on Apr 23, 2007 16:32:15 GMT -1
Hi Bodzy, You're in real trouble now for that one. Babs might just pop over to Clayton to give you one....... A friend of mine recently returned from Isreal," How cid you enjoy your holiday" I said "Great" he replied " Did you visit the wailing wall" i asked Yes but I couldn't get near enough, it was full of Man City supporters |
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Post by bodzy3 on Apr 23, 2007 16:46:40 GMT -1
A friend of mine recently returned from Isreal," How cid you enjoy your holiday" I said "Great" he replied " Did you visit the wailing wall" i asked Yes but I couldn't get near enough, it was full of Man City supporters
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Post by bodzy3 on Apr 23, 2007 16:50:51 GMT -1
Hope she does pop over to Clayton , I'll buy her a drink in the Grove , She knows its only banter I HOPE
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Post by Lisa on Apr 23, 2007 16:58:38 GMT -1
Hi Bodzy, If we all pop over to the Grove, will the drinks be on you ?? Careful how you answer this one........ Hope she does pop over to Clayton , I'll buy her a drink in the Grove , She knows its only banter I HOPE |
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Post by clancy on Apr 24, 2007 0:14:29 GMT -1
Bodzy another good one  ;D and the one at the wailing wall is the best sorry Babs hope your doing OK Tommy |
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Post by bodzy3 on Apr 24, 2007 1:50:58 GMT -1
Hi Lisa Yeah I wouldn't mind you all comin in the Grove for drink , and I;d be happy to buy them for you, love to see you
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? Tony T.
(I think someones been watching me) ;D x Belinda
;D take care young fellow 
tommy 
THINK BABS WILL BE AFTER YOU 
;D and the one at the wailing wall is the best sorry Babs hope your doing OK Tommy