|
|
Post by Lisa on Mar 14, 2007 17:47:16 GMT -1
Hi Frank, Wasn't Workers Playtime compered by Wilfrid Pickles and his wife Mabel "Give 'em the money Mabel".... I used to listen to that when I came home from school for lunch and turned on the radiogram. I'd love to hear it again just for the memories. They dont make them like that anymore.........  A fellow dashes into a bank pulling on a balaclava, gets to the counter obviously panicky, patting his pockets, the teller ask's is this a hold up? no it's a muck up i've left the note at home.regards, Frank Walsh. P.S. dont forget Norman Wisdom, and Al Read, a great programme on the wireless, was workers playtime it used to come from different works canteens, some smashing acts, i first heard Johny Dankworth, and the lovely Cleo Laine on there back in the early 50's also Tommy Handley, Ben Warris, Bebe Daniels, in my opinion the funniest of all was the late great, TONY HANc*ck. |
|
vivien
Junior Member
Posts: 39
|
Post by vivien on Mar 14, 2007 20:11:11 GMT -1
Did you hear the one about the three Irish men froze to death outside the cinema waiting to see "Closed for the Winter " Am I allowed to tell Irish Jokes by the way ?
Viv
|
|
vivien
Junior Member
Posts: 39
|
Post by vivien on Mar 15, 2007 16:26:55 GMT -1
Thanks Tommy as soon as I sent it I realised and didn't want to upset anyone - Happy St Patricks Day to all - Irish or not. Viv
|
|
|
|
Post by Lisa on Mar 15, 2007 16:32:06 GMT -1
Hi Viv, Your Irish jokes will be very welcome as long as they are not offensive or use bad language(see Forum Rules). All the Irish people I know have great sense of humour and often make fun of themselves too. They will be specially welcome as its St. Patricks Day on Saturday. Did you hear the one about the three Irish men froze to death outside the cinema waiting to see "Closed for the Winter " Am I allowed to tell Irish Jokes by the way ? Viv |
|
|
|
Post by fluffymoat4 on Mar 17, 2007 21:59:46 GMT -1
A Leprechaun sat perched on a toadstool watching a snail slowly crawl by. He takes pity on the snail and picking it up he places it on the palm of his hand. He says to the snail, “I have decided to grant you three wishes to make your life easier. What do you wish for?” The snail thinks about it for a while and then decides, “I’d love a metallic blue Ferrari.” With a wave of the Leprechaun’s hand there appears a metallic blue Ferrari. “What’s your next wish?” he asks the snail. “I shall need it shrinking to my size,” explains the snail. Another wave of the Leprechaun’s hand and the car is now small enough for the snail to drive. “What’s your last wish?” he asks. The snail asks to have the letter ‘S’ emblazoned, in silver, on the hood, the back and on the sides of the car. Finally, he takes the car for it’s first spin. He reaches speeds he’d only ever dreamed of. All the other animals in the forest are left open-mouthed as he speeds past them. One little hedgehog looked up to his mummy and said, “Wow, look at that ‘S’ car go!”
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on Mar 20, 2007 10:25:03 GMT -1
SORRY TO ALL YOU CITY FANS OUT THERE, NO OFFENCE...I DID CHANGE THE THIRD FROM LAST WORD.
RICHARD BRANSON HAS OFFERED TO BUY MAN CITY - BUT THE CHAIRMAN KNOCKED IT BACK SAYING WE CAN'T HAVE VIRGIN ON OUR SHIRTS WHEN WE ARE GETTING SCREWED EVERY WEEK.
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on Mar 20, 2007 16:30:25 GMT -1
TOMMY, WHAT CAN I SAY, I THOUGHT IT MAY APPEAL TO YOU ...LOL! I DID CHANGE THE THIRD TO LAST WORD, IT WAS A BIT NAUGHTY TO PUT ON THE SITE EVEN IF I DASH DOTTED...LOL! LIN  |
|
|
|
Post by lin on Mar 21, 2007 7:48:49 GMT -1
HARVARD READING TEST
Not exactly a joke...hope it does not offend.
This was developed as an age test by the R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. They say the average person over 50 years of age can't do it! ...Good Luck!
1. This is this cat=20
2. This is is cat=20
3. This is how cat=20
4. This is to cat=20
5. This is keep cat=20
6. This is an cat=20
7. This is old cat=20
8. This is fart cat=20
9. This is busy cat=20
10. This is for cat=20
11. This is forty cat=20
12. This is seconds cat=20
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each=20 line from the top down.
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on Mar 21, 2007 10:32:00 GMT -1
Aren't our hospitals wonderful!!!
A woman called a local hospital . . . .
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . "
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment.. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me s***."
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on Mar 23, 2007 15:28:27 GMT -1
Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little creep
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on Mar 24, 2007 15:06:50 GMT -1
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
Sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks
The nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards
The man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my , I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place
For a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is
Amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy
You meet? "
"No, " she replies. . . . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."
|
|
|
|
Post by wynwilliams on Mar 26, 2007 9:28:22 GMT -1
Here,s a funny Bones for you, My joke which did have 2 swear words in it has disappeared where another joke with the same 2 words still appears,
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on Mar 26, 2007 10:36:04 GMT -1
HI WYN...WHAT ONES ARE THOSE?
LIN
|
|
|
|
Post by Lisa on Mar 26, 2007 18:16:59 GMT -1
Hi Wyn, Must have missed that one........but will go back to see which one slipped through the net........thanks for drawing my attention to it. Here,s a funny Bones for you, My joke which did have 2 swear words in it has disappeared where another joke with the same 2 words still appears, |
|
|
|
Post by frankwalsh on Mar 27, 2007 3:50:42 GMT -1
A shark swimming around spots a rather unhappy looking squid, whats the matter? he asks , just feeling a bit off says the squid, hop on my back i will take you for a ride make you feel better , they swim until they come to a whale, the shark says to the whale heres that sick squid i owe you!!. Regards, Frank Walsh.
|
|
|
|
Post by frankwalsh on Mar 28, 2007 23:19:53 GMT -1
A policeman comes home after night shift to find his wife in bed with three men ,HELLO,HELLO,HELLO,he says,are'nt you speaking to me dear,? his wife asks. Regards, Frank Walsh.
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on Mar 29, 2007 5:57:38 GMT -1
OK I GOT A WEIRD SENSE OF HUMOUR...LOL!
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thought for the day: ... SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING...BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS
|
|
|
|
Post by Lisa on Mar 29, 2007 9:10:48 GMT -1
Hi Lin, Loved the latest joke. Was No. 7 aimed at me? And what are Slinkies? I needed the hammer last night, not to smash my thumb but to smash my tooth.  |
|
|
|
Post by lin on Mar 29, 2007 11:49:40 GMT -1
HI LISA..NO IT WASN'T AIMED AT YOU BUT IT DID MAKE LAUGH...NOT SURE ABOUT THE SLINKIES, WOULD HAVE TO ASK MY AMERICAN FRIEND. I GUESSED YOU WERE IN PAIN LAST NIGHT, HOPE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER TODAY? LIN  |
|
|
|
Post by lin on Mar 30, 2007 6:49:53 GMT -1
Although I obviously don`t agree with what is said about the Female procedure I thought you might have a laugh about it!
MALE vs. FEMALE AT THE ATM ....
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in checkregister and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
*********************************************
|
|
|
|
Post by Lisa on Mar 30, 2007 11:16:22 GMT -1
Hi Lin, I know this is a joke, but HONESTLY, I do know someone who does this exactly when taking money from an ATM machine !!! and its a man  |
|
|
|
Post by lin on Mar 30, 2007 11:46:52 GMT -1
HI LISA...THAT'S WHY I SAID I DON'T AGREE WITH THE FEMALE PROCEDURE BECAUSE I'VE SEEN MEN DOING MUCH THE SAME THING IN THE PAST.. LIN |
|
|
|
Post by avros on Mar 31, 2007 22:15:04 GMT -1
Hi Lin - Very fine joke - glad it was posted by the fairer sex. I did notice the American use of - Check book -as I'm sure in Cornwall you use a Cheque book.
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on Apr 1, 2007 7:13:37 GMT -1
Hi Lin - Very fine joke - glad it was posted by the fairer sex. I did notice the American use of - Check book -as I'm sure in Cornwall you use a Cheque book. HI AVROS...WE'RE NOT NIT PICKING ARE WE? I'M NOT ABOUT TO CHANGE ALL THE WORDS ONLY THE SWEAR ONES, YOU UNDERSTOOD IT THAT IS THE MAIN THING LIN |
|
|
|
Post by lin on Apr 1, 2007 7:14:15 GMT -1
28 Things to Think About.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either; Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windscreen.
19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
23.A closed mouth gathers no foot.
24. Duct tape is like THE FORCE; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on Apr 9, 2007 16:46:05 GMT -1
Footballing definitions
Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one impartial referee, two
eagle eyed referee's assistants and one stupid ball.
Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around
Fans: Two sets of abusive referees
Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are
drawn towards.
Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing, regardless of
any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like wallflowers
Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging lay about whom only misses the goal
when he is fed a bad ball
Defender: Player who's function is to commit fouls just outside of the penalty
area
Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into committing fouls.
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on Apr 9, 2007 16:47:30 GMT -1
Ouch...sorry guys, this one is for the Ladies. Q. What did God say after he created man? A. "I can do better than this." Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there. |
|
|
|
Post by lin on Apr 10, 2007 12:15:44 GMT -1
In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal board for a decision.
Then the Department of Trans-portation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive , and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environ-mental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all I disagreeets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
"The Government beat me to it."
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on Apr 10, 2007 13:45:27 GMT -1
OUCH!!!
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars, there's nothing left of them, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever evil B.i.t.c.h.e.s Don't mess with them.
|
|
|
|
Post by lin on Apr 13, 2007 6:02:40 GMT -1
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, un zipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
|
|
