FUNNY BONES! Please add jokes.

[jeanmsmith]

You gave me a good laugh before I went to bed Mo.LOL

[marjorie]

hiya jean, was just going to sign out when i saw your name couldn't go without saying hello.jean my grandaughter is getting a right brat, plenty of attitude. l o l nothing i can't handle marjorie

[jeanmsmith]

Hi Marjorie, Left you a message on chatline.

[fluffymoat4]

A photographer for a national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a big forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his office and instructed them to hire him a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot? "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" he replied with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not my instructor?"

[fluffymoat4]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. “Why? What does it tell you Holmes?" After a moments silence he replied, "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

[fluffymoat4]

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver (by this time scared out of his wits) yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas cookers?"

[fluffymoat4]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would highly recommend it." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[lin]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

[lin]

MY DAD IS A FATHER

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your Collar.

[frankwalsh]

A couple in the art gallery admirng a painting of three naked blackmen sitting on a form the one in the m iddle has a pink thingy ,the director of the gallery asks them if they understand the painting, no they say , let me explain, the artist is depicting the plight of the afro american male in white western society,or perhaps black gay men confronted by the same problem. the couple are non the wiser , when an old fellow asks if he can help, i am the artist he says, and they are not black men, they are coalminers just come up from Moston pit , but what about the pink thingy,? they ask oh he had been home for lunch. Frank Walsh.

[fluffymoat4]

FrankWalsh - that joke about the painting was sooooooooooo funny!!! I was even trying to think what it could have been depicting!!!!!

One day we were driving along a really busy road when we saw an elderly man trying to cross over to the other side, almost getting himself killed in the process. We pulled over and I got out to speak to him. "Don't you realise there's a zebra crossing a few feet away?" I asked him. He replied, "Well I hope he's having better luck than me!"

[fluffymoat4]

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman takes one look at them and asks, "This is a joke, right?"

[lin]

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for College and High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

[avros]

We are getting ready for the holiday and vacation period. A man goes into the travel agents to book his summer holiday. Last year you sold me hoiday in Bermuda and my wife got pregnant, the year before that it was Monte Carlo and my wife got pregnant again. The year before that it was Hong Kong and my wife got pregnant then as well. "Oh I see" Says the travel clerk. 'Tell me what did you have in mind this year". Somewhere cheaper" Replies the man. " So she can come with me for a change.

[avros]

Three passengers are on a train discussing why the train company is loosing money. "Bad management," says one, "Too many staff" says another. "Not enough investment" says the third. Then they hear the ticket inspector coming - and all run in to the toilets.

[lin]

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well.
In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer.
Let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's
old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS ,"The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those b i t c h e s sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

[lin]

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed
the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally
didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold
or some such.

But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried.
However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a
lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally
lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward,
but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max
was very excited and happy to see him and told him so!

Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?"

Wally replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?," cried Max!! "What in the world for?"

"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop
where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me
with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, that an old guy like
me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.

The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.

[frankwalsh]

A TRUE STORY? An ad in the paper reads . Single, black, female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good looking girl who loves to play .I love long walks in the bush, riding in your car, hunting, camping, and fishing, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me right way and watch me respond. I will be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature provided. Kiss me and i'm yours. Telephone******** and ask for Daisy. OVER 5,000 men rang the RSPCA to find out about an 8 week old black labrador/ retriever puppy. Frank Walsh.

[lin]

A SENIOR MOMENT - I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS...........

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to

pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his

presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to

honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my

Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight

years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,

and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the

inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me

to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and

letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,

overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood

person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no

longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed

personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must

nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to

open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status

which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about

him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please

note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by

a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation

(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented

proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she

must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled

it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account

balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest

form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press

buttons as follows:



1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is

required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the

Authorized Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8 9-- To

make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold,

pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on

occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the

duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an

establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

[fluffymoat4]

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?" "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialled the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father. "Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"

[fluffymoat4]

Woman comes home from a shopping trip and her husband says, "I hope you've bought some flyspray. I killed 8 flies with my rolled up newspaper while you were out. 5 were male and 3 were female." The wife asks, "How do you know the difference between male and female flies?" The husband answers, "There were 5 on my beercan and 3 on the phone!"

[lin]

HI MO....I HEARD THAT ONE ON LOOSE WOMEN YESTERDAY, THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY THEN.

[Lisa]

A mother was preparing Pancakes for her two young sons, Kevin 5 and Ryan 3.
The mother thought it was a good opportunity for a moral lesson while they waited for their pancakes. "If Jesus were sitting here today he'd say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'." said the mother. Kevin then turned to Ryan and said "You can be Jesus".

[bodzy3]

I like the quick ones myself,so, did you hear about" the suicidal twin who kills her sister by mistake"

[lin]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response...So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place, she said... "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of
the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"

[lin]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was p.i.s.s.e.d.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar
Is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are
Dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
d**n, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

[fluffymoat4]

Read this post late tonight on the Chatting On Line thread and decided to nab it quick as I thought it was so funny.

"Hi all. A new video has been sent by Bin Laden to proove he is still alive and well. In the video he claims that Manchester City did not play well last week. British Intelligence dismissed this video as rubbish. The reason being that City have been playing BAD for the last three years. Joe"

Thanks Avros.

[fluffymoat4]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you stood by me. When I got shot, you were by my side until I recovered. When we lost the house, you stayed with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.........You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck!"

[fluffymoat4]

Three chaps in a pub having a few beers when a drop-dead gorgeous blonde walks in with a few of her friends. The chaps discuss which one of them should chat her up when suddenly she laughs. As she did so she threw back her head and her long hair cascaded down her back. It was then that they noticed she had NO ears!! This didn’t deter them though and they decided they would each write her a note and let her decide which one to date. The first chap wrote, “I have never seen such beautiful skin, it looks like pure silk. I would be the happiest man alive if you would wrap yourself around me.” The other two think it’s a winner and so try to do better. The second chap wrote, “I have never seen such beautiful hair, it shines like diamonds and cascades down your back like a waterfall. I would love to lay beneath it and bathe in your beauty”. The third is beginning to wonder how he can top that. He finally comes up with, “Your hair and skin are everything a man desires, and you couldn’t be more beautiful. I especially love your eyes, as blue as the sky … I am an optician and if you choose me I will make sure you NEVER need glasses!”

[frankwalsh]

A fellow dashes into a bank pulling on a balaclava, gets to the counter obviously panicky, patting his pockets, the teller ask's is this a hold up? no it's a muck up i've left the note at home.regards, Frank Walsh. P.S. dont forget Norman Wisdom, and Al Read, a great programme on the wireless, was workers playtime it used to come from different works canteens, some smashing acts, i first heard Johny Dankworth, and the lovely Cleo Laine on there back in the early 50's also Tommy Handley, Ben Warris, Bebe Daniels, in my opinion the funniest of all was the late great, TONY HANc*ck.