FUNNY BONES! Please add jokes.

[lin]

RUMORS HURT
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but
feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however,
when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw
his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She
emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there
would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.


Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house ... walked home.... and left it there all night.

[avros]

Mum is concerned that little Tommy's developping man hood looks a tad small. A visit to a specialist confirms her thoughts. The best thing for young Tommy to do, was to eat lots of pancakes. This was a gaurentee from the specialist. Next day for breakfast a huge plate of pancakes in the middle of the kitchen table. Wow they look great mum. I could eat them all. Now now lad, just take two - the rest are for your dad.

[bodzy3]

Not sure if this qualifys as a joke but I found it funny

News Flash


The New Casino in East Manchester wil provide roulette, blackjack poker and slot machines

However

The crap games will still be played next door at Manchester Citys Ground

bodzy

[lin]

OUCH BODZY...NO WONDER TOMMY IS GOING INTO HIDING..LOL!

LIN

[fluffymoat4]

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

[lin]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

********************************************

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

****************************************

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

*****************************************

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

*****************************************

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

********************************************

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

*****************************************

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his b.u.t.t cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and b.u.t.t and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[lin]

SHORT STORY

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road...
They pass each other..
The woman yells out the window, PIG!

Man yells back out window,
B I T C H

Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road.

Thought for The Day: If only men would listen....

[moonshine]

Hi Bodzy 3,
we know where you live!
Regards
Man City Fan.

[moonshine]

A man bumps into another man leaving the toilet cubicle, 1st man says 'good grief it stinks what have you eaten?' 2nd man's reply 'nothing, I just had a crap!'

Sorry

[bodzy3]

To Tommy and Lin I know i'm gonna take some from Babs i got my tin hat on ,but its still funny you know wat the banter is like between red and blue, I live just outside the Blue camp and you only see them on match days ,very few of them walk the streets , they must be closet supporters round here
bodzy
ps moonshine
I think that was banter wasn't it

[lin]

I THINK YOU MAY NEED MORE THAN A TIN HAT...BEST OF LUCK..LOL!

LIN

[Lisa]

Hi Bodzy, I think you should go in hiding and join Tommy in Canada for that comment. Just wait until Babs gets on later. THESE MEN ARE TOAST .............

[lin]

NOT EXACTLY A JOKE, BUT TRUE.

Why, Why, Why???

Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you a lways manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[BABS]

HI BODZY,

WHO THINKS HE IS A COMEDIAN
NOT BAD THAT ONE ,I THINK IT WAS FUNNY.

YOU WILL NEED MORE THAN A TIN HAT AND A BOMB SHELTER ,THAT WONT HELP YOU WITH ME.

YOUR RIGHT MOONSHINE,WE KNOW WHERE HE LIVES ,YOU ARE A BIT FAR AWAY IN ZIMBABWE,I AM A BIT NEARER TO HIM,TROUBLE IS CARNT GET AT TOMMY MURPHY,NOT TILL THE GAMES WHEN LISA AND MYSELF GO OVER THERE,BUT IT WILL WAIT.

ALAN YOU WILL GET USED TO THE BANTER ON HERE.

BABSXX

[lin]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .
(ok wait for it)




"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[bodzy3]

Just a quick one

a penquin walks into a bar and says to the bartender " have you seen my brother"

The bartender replies " What does he look like"

[fluffymoat4]

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him completely confused. The father asked her, "Is there something you didn't understand?" The little girl replied, "No... it's just that Mum told me to tell you dinner would be ready in a couple of secs."

[fluffymoat4]

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a Doberman. The employee said, "If it’s a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, "This small thing, a guard dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate." "Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate my sign" as he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate my chair" as he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife with the poodle and says "I've bought you this guard dog!" His wife yells, "That little thing, a guard dog? No way!" Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate?" she yells. "Karate my elbow!"

[lin]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

[bodzy3]

A man walks into a shop in liverpool
Man: can i have a pair of tights for my wife ?
Shop assistant: Certinly Sir,What size head are you


Another Scouse one
St Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up Having never seen anybody from liverpool before St Peter said he would have to check with God After hearing th news God instructed him to admit the ten most virtueous from the group
A few minutes later Saint Peter returned breathless to God and said " they're gone"
"What " All of the scousers are gone asked God
"No " replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates "

[fluffymoat4]

The following joke was sent to me from another MM member:-

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local
Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next
collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" She got the clean
laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following
week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean
laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON
PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

[lin]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[lin]

After the woman gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside.

"I have something I must tell you about your baby."

"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean he has a
p. e. n. i. s and a brain?"

[lin]

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

Wife: "I clean the toilet bowl."

Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush.

**************************************************

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a
rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says,
"Well, that's great.......... that's really great..........
Some a.s.s hole's got my pen.

[lin]

Tribute to a man who DID make a difference: BOB HOPE!
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

[lin]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was

almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her

car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car

while it warmed up and thought about her situation.



Remembering her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she

should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would

not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure

enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow

it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they

continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard

conditions.



After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow

stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for

her to roll down her window. The driver wanted to know if she was all

right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she

was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when

caught in a blizzard.



The driver replied that it was ok with him. She could continue if she

wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over

to Sears next.

[Lisa]

Dont understand this one Lin, I think its American......

[lin]

YEAH THE TWO STORES ARE AMERICAN.

LIN

[fluffymoat4]

Letter from Ann Summers Ltd: "Thanks for your recent order. You asked for the large red vibrator pictured on our wall display. Please can you reselect as this is actually a fire extinguisher!"

[lin]

BRILLIANT MO...LOL!