FUNNY BONES! Please add jokes.

[lin]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. Seeing
God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said,"No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow-lift, lip enhancement, boob job,
liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an am bulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "Girrrl, I didn't even recognize you!"

[Mike]

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps,
were an English guy, an Irish bloke, a little old Greek lady,
and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright
red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark,
and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed
and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The English guy thinks:
That Paddy (Irish) bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she
tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the Irish guy thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English
b*****d again.....
MIGKY
NO OFFENCE MENT TO ANY ONE

[lin]

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

[lin]

The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two

kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in

my own second-grade classroom a few years back.


When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a

few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and

usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,

model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.

And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If

they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're

welcome.


Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very

outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the

class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.


She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby

brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."


"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and

then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.

He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."


She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm

trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.

The kids are watching her in amazement.


"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and

going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and

groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh,

oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.


"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she

doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got

my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with

her back against the wall.


"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there

in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over

the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her

little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!


"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,

breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten.

Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in

yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so

there must be a lot of toys inside there."


Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to

her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then,

when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case

another "Middle Wife" comes along.

[lin]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.


My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the
blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?


You're gonna love this.....


She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[lin]

I hope this does not offend anyone.

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B- U- L- L- S- * - * - T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A- S- S- K- I- S- S- I- N - G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull s * * T and A- s- s- k- i- s- s- i- n- g that will put you over the top

[fluffymoat4]

lin said:

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the
blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?

You're gonna love this.....

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Lin - now that WAS funny!! I almost split my sides - cheers!

[lin]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[lin]

Hi Mo...Glad you got a kick out of it...lol!

Lin

[fluffymoat4]

Two friends were out hunting in the woods when one suddenly collapsed. He didn’t appear to be breathing so his friend used his mobile phone to contact the emergency services. On making contact he yells into the phone, “quick I think my friend is dead, what should I do?” The operator says, “Calm down, first of all let’s make sure he is dead…” the phone goes silent and then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone the friend says, “Okay, I’ve done that, now what?”

[fluffymoat4]

Enjoying a coffee morning at our local church we heard the Reverend state that, as we all get older we think more about the hereafter. “For example”, he said, “I regularly go into a room and find myself thinking, what did I come in here after?”

[fluffymoat4]

I can't take credit for the following but possession is nine tenths of the law??

PET RULES – To be posted very low on a door or wall at pets nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
1) The dishes with paw prints on are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. NOTE: Placing a paw print in the middle of the food on my plate does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
2) The staircase was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me up doesn’t help either because I fall faster than you can run.
3) I cannot buy anything bigger than a King sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.
4) For the last time – there is NO secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you into there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge of the door in an effort to pull it open. I have to exit by the same door through which I entered. Also, I have successfully been using the bathroom for years without canine or feline help!
5) The proper display of affection is to kiss me first and THEN smell the other dog or cat’s butt, not the other way about. I cannot stress this enough!

To show our appreciation of you I have posted the following message on our front door:
TO ALL VISITING NON-PET OWNERS: -
1) Our pets live here – you don’t!
2) If you don’t want pet hair on your clothes then stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture)!
3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4) To you it’s an animal. To us he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
5) Remember that, in some ways, dogs and cats are better than children because they:-
a) Eat less.
b) Don’t ask for money all the time.
c) Are easier to train.
d) Normally come when called.
e) Never ask to drive the car.
f) Don’t hang out with drug-using friends.
g) Don’t smoke or drink.
h) Don’t have to buy the latest fashions.
i) Don’t need to wear your clothes.
j) Don’t need thousands of pounds to put through college.
k) If they get pregnant you can sell their children.

[lin]

I HOPE YOU LADIES HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR, THIS WILL CERTAINLY GIVE THE GUYS A GOOD LAUGH.

By all Means... MARRY!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Gui try

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud


"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[fluffymoat4]

Thanks to another member of MM for this one:

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set ith pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later,the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why re you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney." And so the Lord let her keep him.

[lin]

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You
always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement but once a week. You take laxatives,eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' happens!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movements?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't get up until 7:00."

[fluffymoat4]

Again, thanks to a MM member for the following joke:-

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yes," the Lab replies. "So, what's the story?" The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I Was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda (Irish National Police) about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten euros," the man says. Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" Because he's a liar. He never did any of that nuts."

[fluffymoat4]

Thanks to another MM member for the following joke:-

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.

She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud , "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

[fluffymoat4]

I noticed some council workers in our street the other day. They were digging up an area alongside our pavements. I was fascinated by the fact that one worker dug a hole quite deep, while another worker followed him and filled each hole in. Both men were working up quite a sweat. Curiosity got the better of me and I asked the workers “why on earth are you working so hard on digging holes and then just filling them in?” The worker digging the holes explained, “We’re a team of three planting trees but one of us is off sick!”

[fluffymoat4]

A Mailman is greeted by a young boy and his rather large dog. The mailman asks, “does your dog bite?” “No” replied the boy. The mailman gave the boy some post and a parcel and the dog grabbed his arm in a fierce bite. “Ow!” yells the postman, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” “That isn’t MY dog” the boy replied.

[fluffymoat4]

Two cows in a field chewing grass. The first cow says, “I am so worried about that Mad Cows disease. It seems that all the cows on MacDonald’s farm down the road have been infected. I hope we aren’t next!” Second cow says, “You shouldn’t worry so much, I’ve heard it doesn’t affect us sheep!”

[lin]

I THINK THIS MIGHT BE ONE I'VE USED MYSELF MO...I THINK WE ALL MUST DO IT, YOU FORGET WHAT YOU'VE PUT ON HERE OR WHAT HAS BEEN ON DON'T YOU?...LOL!

LIN

[clancy]

i started using Viagra last week it keeps me from rolling out of bed ;D Tommy xo

[fluffymoat4]

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[clancy]

i just received a bill from the phone sex line for 850 dollars thats the last time i phone stuttering girls Tommy oxox

[fluffymoat4]

clancy said:

i just received a bill from the phone sex line for 850 dollars thats the last time i phone stuttering girls Tommy oxox

Tommy - what can I say? YOU are priceless!!!

[fluffymoat4]

A motorist in Manchester completely ignored a STOP sign and was soon pursued by a traffic policeman. The motorist pulled into a lay-by and the policeman began writing out a ticket. The motorist pleaded, “Hey look I did SLOW DOWN at least!” The policeman pointed out, “Yes, but you didn’t actually STOP!” The motorist continued, “yes, but I did SLOW down and it wasn’t as if I put anyone else in danger!” The policeman continued to write the ticket and explained, “You are required by LAW to STOP at a STOP sign!” The motorist took the ticket, tore it up into pieces and this time raged, “I didn’t need to stop! I only needed to slow down enough to know that it was safe to proceed!” With this the policeman got out his truncheon and began beating the motorist with it. The motorist yells in pain and asks, “What do you think you’re doing?” The policeman replies, “Do you want me to slow down or STOP?”

[fluffymoat4]

Thanks to another MM member for this contribution:

A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?"

[fluffymoat4]

clancy said:

i started using Viagra last week it keeps me from rolling out of bed ;D Tommy xo

oooooh you are naughty..... but nice.... Tommy!

[fluffymoat4]

clancy said:

i started using Viagra last week it keeps me from rolling out of bed ;D Tommy xo

Ooooh Tommy - wait while Babs sees this from you of all people!!
I know how it got it's name by the way -
Volume
Improvement
And
Growth
Rate
Assured

[lin]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
''What's the morale of that story ?'' asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too, but we raise chickens for the meat market.
One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes.
My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, ''what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the #*#* away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking