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Post by lin on Dec 7, 2006 14:45:21 GMT -1
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
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Post by lin on Dec 7, 2006 14:46:41 GMT -1
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."
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Post by lin on Dec 7, 2006 17:07:02 GMT -1
The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Antigo, Wisconsin, for $200.00. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."
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Post by lin on Dec 7, 2006 17:51:44 GMT -1
PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71.
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
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Post by lin on Dec 7, 2006 17:52:12 GMT -1
In a certain suburban neighbourhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighbourhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
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Post by lin on Dec 7, 2006 17:52:38 GMT -1
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whisky. He drinks the shots, pays, and leaves.
He then repeats this process at the same time every day for the next 2 weeks.
Finally, the bartender, out of curiosity, asks the man, "Why do you come in each day, order 3 drinks, and leave."
The man replies, "One drink is for me and the others are for my 2 buddies who live out of town and asked me to have a drink for them."
After another 2 weeks of the same routine, the man arrives but this time only orders 2 drinks.
Surprised the bartender queries, "I see you are only having 2 drinks. Did something happen to one of your buddies."
"Oh, no," the man replies, "I just quit drinking!"
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Post by lin on Dec 7, 2006 17:52:55 GMT -1
A man travelling across the country stops in a small town for some refreshment. He enters the local bar to find it deserted except for the bar tender. The tables are clean and tidy and the each has a basket of nuts at the centre.
The man orders a drink and sits quietly at one of the tables. After a few moments he hears a voice say, "Nice tie." He looks about, but no one is in sight.
A couple of moments later he hears another voice say, "Great haircut." He looks about, but no one is around.
A moment later he hears another voice say, "Attractive shirt." Puzzled he approaches the bar tender and asks about the voices. The bar tender states, "Oh that. It is the nuts. They are complimentary!
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Post by lin on Dec 7, 2006 17:53:19 GMT -1
A priest and a nun were returning from a tiring day on the road when their car broke down. They were unable to get it fixed, so they were forced to spend the night. As it would happen, the only hotel in the town had only one room available.
After assessing the situation the Priest said, "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa, and you may have the bed."
The Nun replied, "I think that would be okay." They prepared for bed and each one took their agreed place in the room.
Just as the Priest was falling asleep, the Nun asked, "Father, I'm terribly cold. Could you get me a blanket?" The Priest replied, "Okay Sister, I'll get you a blanket." The Priest got the blanket and returned to the sofa.
As the priest was about to fall asleep a second time, the Nun once again requested, "Father, I'm still terribly cold. Could you get me another blanket?" The Priest replied, "Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket." He got the blanket and returned to the sofa.
As the priest was about to fall asleep for a third time, the Nun stated, "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
The Priest replied, "You're probably right. Get up and get your own d**n blanket!"
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Post by lin on Dec 7, 2006 17:53:38 GMT -1
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Eagles-Patriots Super Bowl Game in Jacksonville, Florida.
As he sat down, a man approached him and asked him if the seat next to him was available.
"Yes," he said sadly, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", exclaimed the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sports event in the world, and not use it ?"
Sombrely, the man replied, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me.
I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else - a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
Shaking his head he replied, "No. They're all at her funeral."
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Post by lin on Dec 7, 2006 17:53:57 GMT -1
So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, pregnant doged, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my credit card. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that. Amen.
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Post by lin on Dec 7, 2006 17:54:13 GMT -1
Father Christmas' sledge broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, 'Can you help me fix my sledge?'
'Sorry,' the motorist replied. 'I'm not a mechanic - I'm a chiropodist.'
'Well, can you give me a toe?'
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Post by avros on Dec 7, 2006 23:21:37 GMT -1
The local vicar in Leeds had recently got married and at the same time had asked the congregation my pay should increase with the children born to us. First year a baby born and a pay increase. Two years later a baby born and another pay increase. This went on for a period of six berths and six pay increases within a short time. After the last time the vicar told the congregation that it was the will and act of God that the babies were born. A frail voice from the back spoke to say - Gee if it rains and storms its an act of god - so we wear-wellies. Perhaps during your acts of God. You should wear some Rubbers.
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Dec 12, 2006 17:23:44 GMT -1
High in the Venetian mountains there is a large monastery. The monks have taken a vow of silence and are only allowed to speak three words to the Abbot on Christmas day each year. Brother William had been there for one whole year and finally got to say his three words. “Mattress too hard” he stated before lapsing back into his silent world. The following year he states, “Mash too lumpy!” and the year after that he stated, “Room too draughty!” The following year he says, “Need new pillow!” and the Abbot tells him to pack up his things and leave. Brother William looks puzzled and asks, “why?” The Abbot says, “Well you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here!”
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Post by lin on Dec 13, 2006 13:37:52 GMT -1
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,
"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."
The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"
The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."
To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"
"No son, I want this color."
"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.
By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
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Post by lin on Dec 14, 2006 13:27:15 GMT -1
WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS
New York Times 1-22-03
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed
that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.
He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday
morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything.
He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post
mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.
*Moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.
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Post by lin on Dec 15, 2006 12:46:21 GMT -1
MR CADBURY MET MS ROWNTREE IN A ROOM ON QUALITY ST. IT WAS AFTER EIGHT HE TURNED OUT THE LIGHT FOR A BIT OF BLACK MAGIC! HE SLIPPED HIS HAND IN HER SNICKERS AND SHOWED HER HIS CURLYWURLY..NOT KEEN TO HAVE ANY JELLY BABIES SHE LET HIM TAKE A TRIP UP BOURNEVILLE BOULEVARD. SHE SCREAMED WITH TURKISH DELIGHT! AS HE TOOK OUT HIS FUN SIZED MARS BAR IT FELT A BIT CRUNCHIE AND SHE WANTED SOME TIME OUT, BUT HE DID A TWIRL AND HAD A PICNIC IN HER PINK WAFERS.
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Post by lin on Dec 16, 2006 16:27:53 GMT -1
A FEW CORNY ONES   What do monkeys sing at Christmas ? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. ! Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles ! What's Christmas called in England ? Yule Britannia ! What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks, I'll never part with it ! Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both of them ! What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ? A pineapple ! What do you give a train driver for Christmas ? Platform shoes ! What did the big candle say to the little candle ? I'm going out tonight ! Whats happens to you at Christmas ? Yule be happy ! How long does it take to burn a candle down ? About a wick ! |
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Jan 2, 2007 22:32:41 GMT -1
This Christmas our funniest "cracker" joke was:-
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem!
What was YOUR best cracker joke this Christmas??
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Post by avros on Jan 6, 2007 23:06:31 GMT -1
Lover boy has become depressed, his pride and joy will not stand up no more. To hell with pills, he will seek elsewhere. Seeing a lady by a crystal ball he tells her his tale of wow. My dear all you have to do is to say - one,two, three. Up will come your pride and joy. To send it down you say - one, two, three, four. Magic he says. Off now to meet his beloved. Lights down the bedroom scented in love, his lady awaiting for him between the sheets. One ,two,three he says - bingo and in to the bed he comes. A kiss is turned aside and his love asks. Why did you say one two three for?.
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Jan 7, 2007 22:09:34 GMT -1
Avros - your latest joke is priceless and even my teenaged son raised a smile when I told it to him. I'll get my hubby to put it on his mobile phone and forward it to his friends. We get some really good ones from them but they are much too rude to put on Funny Bones!
By the way - another CRACKER joke:- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!!!!
C'mon everyone out there - you must've pulled crackers over the festive season - share some of the jokes that fell out of them..... PLEASE?
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Post by lin on Jan 10, 2007 8:29:43 GMT -1
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the
husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits
alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Jan 10, 2007 22:01:31 GMT -1
Two avid Manchester United supporters, Bill and Ben, were discussing the afterlife and whether or not football matches were played in Heaven. They agreed that whoever died first should find a way to let the other one know for sure. A few years later poor Bill died in his sleep. Ben waited for his friend to contact him from the other side. Sure enough one night Ben wakes up suddenly and sees an eerie mist at the foot of his bed. As he watches, the mist takes on the form of his old mate Bill. Bill says, “Hi there Ben. Just thought I’d come back with the good news – there are indeed football matches played in heaven.” Ben starts to get excited at the news but Bill interrupts him and says, “The bad news is that they’re about to sign you up as their new goalie this coming Friday!”
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Post by lin on Jan 17, 2007 7:44:39 GMT -1
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us,
"Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."
~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
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Post by lin on Jan 17, 2007 8:14:35 GMT -1
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 OR 60 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you?  5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 PM . 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list. 20. And I tried to use as big a print as possible. |
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Post by lin on Jan 19, 2007 15:07:06 GMT -1
If Operating Systems were Airlines
DOS AIR:
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.
WINDOWS 95 AIRLINES:
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS:
The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS:
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT:
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of OS/400:
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
MVS AIRLINES:
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass c*ckpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS:
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.
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Post by lin on Jan 19, 2007 15:07:52 GMT -1
Bush Quotes
George W. Bush's reputation isn't in having a stellar command of the English language. Here are some examples to concrete this reputation, and frankly, they are royal screw ups...
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
...George W. Bush, Jr.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush, Jr.
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The
rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush, Jr.
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
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Post by lin on Jan 19, 2007 15:08:52 GMT -1
Courtroom Questions
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left."
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Post by lin on Jan 23, 2007 8:11:34 GMT -1
Married for 60 years
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old
woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her
husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was
time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of
money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she
said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to
never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I
should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only
two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him
two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst
with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
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Post by lin on Jan 23, 2007 8:12:09 GMT -1
A Prayer.......
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive
him; and Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
And I don't know how to crochet. Amen!!
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Post by fluffymoat4 on Jan 24, 2007 22:19:05 GMT -1
A class of primary school pupils were being given a science lesson on whales. The teacher explained that a whale could not eat a human being even though it is an extremely large mammal as it only has a very small throat. One boy put his hand up and asked, “how come a whale swallowed Jonah then?” The teacher gently explained that, based on scientific evidence, the story could not possibly be true. The little boy stated, “then I shall ask Jonah when I get to Heaven”. The teacher asked, “but what if Jonah went to Hell?” The little boy replied, “well then you can ask him!”
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